I will get around to filling this out at some point, but for now, you can find me all over the net. Try Google, or try any of the links to the right for the other places you can find me. You will probably get a better picture that way anyway.


3 responses

16 02 2008

That’s rad.

17 02 2008

I hadn’t read the John Cleese letter before either, and I’ve been online posting and reading blogs and other websites for years. The world isn’t so small after all.

25 02 2008
Roger Malik

Response to John Cleese’s “Letter to America”

Were Allistair Cook healthy enough to draft responses it may look something like this:

To Her Majesty’s Loyal Subjects, or Dear John:

We did notice your inflammatory and seditious political tract circulating in the colonies and have the following response for HRM and the balance of you lot.

1. We know that the offer to take us back to colonial days cannot be sincere. We know this because any such public act by HRM would immediately be made part of HRM’s Official Secrets Act. For publishing the same, you would have been immediately detained by now in the dankest cell in The Tower, or have fallen victim to a “Russian” assasin. We also know that you (or your double) are in fact free and roaming Fawlty Towers, because we see the re-runs regularly on Public Television.

2. Thanks for the offer, however, in view of your simpering ambivalence toward the Royals we have decided to remain . . . We the People

3. HRM appears to have a hard time governing her own children and the Counties of Orange, and Edinborough. . . much less the rest of her subjects. Is it really fair to ask her to take the colonies back on ??? . . . even with Helen Mirren assisting her.

4. Kansas happens to be our only known route to Oz, where we go to hide from our CIA and your MI6, when hiding from them becomes necessary (more on this in paragraph 15, below)

5. We need to keep Congress and the Senate as our bicameral legislature for purposes of light relief – AKA John Stewart needs to make a living too!

6. We will continue to build ships, aircraft, guns and kitchen foil with aluminum, and pronounce it so too!

7. Before teaching us how to speak – kindly review the quote: “Gar’n . . . What Kind of Word is that?” . . . Henry Higgins.

8. Grunts are perfectly normal means of communicating emotional content – at least for the male of the species – we’ve consulted the Aussies, they agree. As to the female of the species, who use . . . “you know” every other word . . . we are currently considering whether to elect one of those to satisfy any residual yearning we may have for a queen. Her name is Hillary.

9. There is too such a thing as U.S. English – Microsoft in fact told us that, and they own you, us, and the rest of the world, outright. Whatever other insidious technique you consider in your attempt to regain the Colonies, Please don’t invoke the wrath of Gates. Didn’t you see what he did to Corel and to Brussels? The sun truly does never set on his empire. You and we couldn’t hurl insults without Microsoft Word – none of our servers will recognize those non-legit rebel word processors.

10. We still play our original anthem all the time. We just re-named it: “ My country ‘tis of thee . . . “

10. “Come Uppance Day” is not a recognized holiday on Microsoft Outlook Calendars . . . and while you’re considering our pronunciation and spelling of the English Language, have you considered yours of the German Language?
Oh, that’s right . . . you still speak English thanks to FDR, and the rest of the rabble.

11. Speaking of which . . . we need our guns for the next time someone has to rescue HRM and her aforesaid loyal subjects. By the way, thanks to Harry for all his help in Iraq. But I suppose, to be fair that Harry learned from his great-grandfather who tried to keep Berlin in check with a vegetable peeler (not a very sharp one, either).

12. We’ll keep our therapists – they serve the same purpose here that roundabouts serve there – they keep us chasing our tails. Should you undertake therapy with one of them, you’d subsequently adopt an American Sense of Humor.

13. We’ll keep our lawyers too – despite Mr. Bush’s agreement with HRM on this point.

14. We’ve seen German Cars and what they do for the health of your Royal Family and it’s divorcee’s.

15. On which point, JFK was felled by a lone assassin. We know this because our CIA told us so, and we believe them as much as you believe your MI6, and because we had no drunken limo drivers (or Mercedes driver’s) available at the time. We Know you believe MI6 because its operatives would rather commit suicide than lie (over WMD in Iraq f’rinstance).

16. We may have to concede your point concerning the state of our breweries, but unlike you we don’t drink beer that soon after brushing our teeth in the morning – consequently most of us still have teeth – or, maybe that is because we have “downs” in American football. Rather than play rugby, we reserve our savagery for watching westerns on Friday nights. We need our “frozen gnat’s urine” to wash the taste of western dust from our mouths during the watching of said westerns”.

17. Er, try to keep up John, Casey is at bat (Baseball is played) on every continent except England, . . . Oh, that’s right, you only think that you’re a continent, Since the building of the Chunnel, we and the Europeans prefer to describe England as in-continent, but with a stiff upper lip.

18. Hollywood will cast an Englishman as a good guy as soon as we can find an English actor who can survive many explosive events, while performing his own stunts, and remaining friends with Demi Moore.

19. We don’t need your representative from the Internal Revenue Service, we’ve been trying to keep our own version of the same guy away from our whiskey stills for years.
They only want interest on the money from the 1930’s.

20. Our waiters and waitresses don’t need to be aggressive. Restaurant management now adds their gratuity to our bills . . . ostensibly to save us from the dreaded argument in which the waiter’s and waitress’s estimate of 15% is always 25% higher than the customers’. Our restaurants had to do this to prevent the wait staff from unionizing as it has in Aussieland, your other delinquent colony. (We will not accept calls from Canadians made irate by this remark – in case Canadian’s don’t know it, you are a former, or perhaps current colony of France – just ask anybody in Quebec).

21. Finally, we in America believe in equal opportunity. Rather than to reserve our snotty remarks for any single former colony (E.G. South Vietnam, Iran or the Phillipines), we reserve the right to insult anybody who is not AMERICAN.

Kindly, consider your reply response over a pint . . . just not before breakfast.


Roger W. Malik
Barrister and gun-dealer to the Colonies.

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