John Cleese’s “Letter to America”

15 02 2008

Originally uploaded by Browserd.
Dear Citizens of America,

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) – roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of Jessies – English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese



656 responses

15 02 2008
The LC on the DL » Blog Archive » links for 2008-02-16

[…] John Cleese’s “Letter to America” « Things Are Looking Up… In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (tags: Humor) […]

8 01 2010

Well now……………I believe you have made a real good point! Since you come from a place that has been around for eons and have not butchered the English language, like a country that has only been in existence for 200 years plus!

Please, your Majesty, take over and bring forth the Skull & Bones!

God Save the Queen

21 07 2010

I think you mean he makes a ‘really’ good point which is the correct use of an adjective.

10 09 2010

‘Really’ is an adverb, you ass.

5 02 2017
Daniel O'Callaghan

It’s about time the old fart got off the throne and give Charlie a shot before he shoot’s himself or another grouse in Scotland

6 02 2017

well guys, this post has been around and collected a load of comments but given the american´s continued inability to vote a decent representative I think it is high time yall got annexed back.

7 02 2017
Daniel O'Callaghan

If we are feel in generous mood and you plead long enough we may allow you to become our 51st state under certain condition’s of course. All that baggage of royalty has to go and the stiff upper lip.please not the bowler hat.and John Cleese

5 12 2010

Tell me, what is the point of simply cutting and pasting or typing words directly from the article as your comment? That isn’t a comment, it is doing what a parrot can do.

10 05 2011

Indeed! The parrots not dead, its just sleeping!

11 05 2011

and if it wasn’t nailed to the perch, it’d be pushing up the daisies!

15 02 2016
Daniel O'Callaghan

I lived in England from 1958 to 1964,I would be smoking woodbine dog ends on a Monday morning and maybe if I was lucky to have one shilling and sixpence halfpenny or as you would say (ha’peny) to my name,all of England would fit twice inside inside Great State of Texas, how sad you poor bastards, pretty soon you will be eating Arab camel shit

16 02 2016

camel shite is quite neat old boy, you can buy it off us in chinese yen which will soon become a replacement for the dollar.

27 11 2016
Having a laugh

Little insensitive aren’t you. I mean all Texas oil is Arab controlled

27 11 2016
Daniel O'Callaghan

Gas for my car is costing me $2 dollars per gallon how much is costing you?

28 11 2016

I never put gas in my car. I use petrol.

13 11 2016
Jo David

Thank you. This is the first time I’ve laughed since the election. Also cried because what you say is true.

29 12 2017
Morpheus Zion

One: John CLeese didn’t write this.
Two: If England wants to try to take America back, we’ll kick their ass again and will enjoy the newly acquired United Kingdom of America.
Three: Shove it, our president is kicking ass and taking names. Best join in or stay out of the way.

16 02 2008

Too funny! Thanks for sharing!

16 02 2008

Dear John Cleese.
You are quite talented as a comedian and are one of my favorites.
Obviously, you are not a historian.
Our guns were used in the American Revolution to remove British Tyranny
from our soil and Nazi Tyranny from your soil in WW II.
Any questions?
Best regards from a british descendant.

11 08 2009

You did NOT help during WWII stop saying you did! 😡 You can in, when there was like a week to go, we were just about to win anyway, and you claim you “helped” us and we “owe” you. NO! We owe you nothing. Of our magnificent history of thousands of years of battle, we have only ever lost one major battle, 1066, Hastings. Stop being so big headed you did NOTHING.

Many thanks,
A True Englishman ^_^

22 09 2009

I would like to note that if you read any decent history text, you will see that the British lost most of their equipment during the evacuation at Dunkirk and had a hard time keeping themselves supplied and fed with Germany constantly bombing them. So throughout the time before America sent soldiers to Europe, we spent many months supplying the Allies with planes, tanks, ships, arms, and most importantly food for the British soldiers, all of which Churchill asked Roosevelt to help out with.

12 12 2009

@Tom + Emilie

1) America did not win the war on its own. FACT.

2) America did not do nothing to win the war. FACT.

3) The real nation that payed the price and did the most in WW II was the USSR. I’m no fan of Stalin or Communism, but the Soviets suffered huge amounts of casualties in the war (Britain lost slightly more than America btw, but only by a fraction). Without the Russian Front, more resources would have been directed @ Britain, we probably would have lost the Battle of Britain and Operation Sealion would have most likely succeeded.

4) Really funny! STUMBLED!!!

9 04 2011

The United States of America who has been kicking ass since the American Revolution ( A war where we, americans, with Shity weapons and half the men/resources kicked your, the british, asses. The Allies would have been nothing had America not stepped in, why do you think FDR called all of the shots once we joined, Churchill knew we had the firepower and stepped aside to let us lead the way. It was a joint effort, but saying that we did nothing just proves you are an ignorant bastard. And really, we stepped in with a week to go, you are fucking retarded. Read a damn book about World War II you fuck.

24 05 2012

David, the reason USA had the resources is because your country wasn’t being bombed,

Can’t wait until USA falls to pieces. Its not the people, its the poison of the ideal.

21 03 2013
Geraint Thomas

David: The Americans in the war of independence had the french, spanish and dutch all helping as well, if anything, you owe them far more than we owe you.

Tom: The Americans did supply a lot of equipment both to the british and to the soviets before joining, and while the Nazis would have eventually lost it would have taken several more years, and a much bigger chunk of Europe would be stalinist (motivation both for the US and for the UK to start actually attacking). The fact that american capitalism helped cause the nazi party in the first place negates that debt however (facism appears to be an experiment by businesses to see of having mass supported authoritarian parties would work for them, and it was until the german one, hitler got out of hand. These days they stick with coups and military/police states, that and their method of debt collection triggered that crisis in the first place).

One battle?! I’m going to list a few notable ones that I’m aware of (not counting civil wars where the incumbent lost, otherwise this would be a lot longer): Stirling + Bannockburn (scottish war of independence), Patay (Hundred Years), Bryn Glas (Welsh Rebellion), The raid on the Medway (second anglo-dutch, actually the entire 2nd and 3rd anglo-dutch wars), our entire involvement in the 30 years war, cliffton moor (jacobite uprising), First Madras siege (carnatic war), The american war of independence (I’m aware of about 2 of these battles at most, no doubt the americans here will know more); Any number of small battles in the napoleonic war, Islandwana (zulu war), the boer war; mons, the somme, kut, 1st and 3rd Ypres, jutland, cambrien, gallipoli (WWI); Singapore, Dunkirk, Burma, Sonneblume (inc. Tobruk) (WWII); Suez canal occupation.

So what was that about never having lost a battle? The british have lost more battle than the americans have fought.

1 02 2014
John Smeaton

Bannockburn (1314)? hehehehe

Lots of love,
A Scotsman

12 11 2014

Last time I checked 1941was 4 years prior to the end of WWII. I wouldn’t so much call that “a week to go”. The battle of Britain was raging when we enterted the war. Which we supplied you for. (While sacrificing hundreds of our own commercial shipping vessels to U-Boots just for you.) All the while, fighting a war against Japan in the pacific. Come 1944, when we ALL invaded Normandy together, we saw it reasonably fair to take the beach landings at Omaha and Utah (the most heavily defended), thus taking the most causualties. Then for the rest of the war, not only defeating the Japanese, but aiding with the push back of the Germans to 80 miles or so outside of Berlin. Ultimately ending in their surrender after the Russians took Berlin and Hitler commit suicide. Oh, also… Might I forget to mention that we then protected you, along with the rest of Europe from Soviet aggression for the next 45 years. On a side note, the war you may be thinking of that we came in “when there was like a week to go” would be World War I. That of course is under the assumption that the war only lasted a month. On that topic, it would still be ignorant to say that the U.S. did nothing in WWI. However, I do agree that the Allies were winning ever so slightly and would have eventually won, it just would have taken longer.


An Educated American

3 02 2017

Clearly you have forgotten being hammered by both the Boers and Zulus in South Africa, a country that did come to your in aid both the first and second world wars!

19 01 2018
Daniel O'Callaghan

look at the state of England today, country weighted down with middle eastern thugs taking advantage of every public assistance and handout
available with the British workforce paying the bill. Wake up England, how many English hating mosques do you need before they drive you into the sea.You don’t have a Winston Churchill anymore.Who in your country today has the backbone, It seems all of your politicians have a yellow stripe running down their spine

20 11 2010

The Nazis never invaded our soil.

20 01 2012

Dear David, Churchill was 1/2 American and if it wasn’t for him you Americans would also be, “Sprechen sie Deutsch” by now, and anyway half the US is “Se Hablar Espanol” now anyway.
This rules out there being any US English(or US Spanish for that matter), but a new kind of childish talk called US Pidgin, that is full of slang words derived from the English,Yiddish & Spanish languages and performed by Apes that claim to be hip-hop/ rap-stars.
Remember the early religious fanatics who came to America during the 17 & 18th Centuries spoke a language called “tongues” , well nothing has changed, it’s just re-appeared in America’s latest crappy popular music. that is gangsta rap!

3 02 2017
Beatrice Gillet

They did: anglo-norman Islands, although Churchill did not find this a very palatable truth.

17 11 2016

Dear citizenwells.
You are not talented as a comedian and obviously also not a historian.
The Nazis were never in Britain. So your guns cannot possibly ever have been used to remove Nazi Tyranny from its soil.
Any questions?
Best regards.

3 12 2016

I think The Battle of Britain turned on 15 September 1940 when the German air losses got so bad that they decided they could not afford the attrition of continuing bombing raids and that any invasion would not have air superiority to support it.

Not sure that it really matters whether the US entered the war at the right or wrong moment. All history now and actually Germany is a beacon of democracy and decency now in Europe.

The worry for us Europeans is that the US seems to have elected a racist bigot and wide Boy and we feel the World has suddenly got closer to another war in one way or another.

Sorry to put it that way as I know lots of US people and they are uniformly kind but we in Europe are very worried.

26 01 2017

2 questions: Nazi tyranny on British soil, when and where? And don’t say Jersey and Guernsey, the Brits won their battle long before Dec. ’41 – Fritz gave it up and went for Commy-Joe instead.

Who is not a historian, the Mr. Cleese that is claimed to have written this? Be skeptical citizen if you don’t want to need that gun, for removing an entirely different kind of tyranny.

16 02 2008

God i love you Johnny.

4 01 2010

To all the above commentators,

You are all puffed up dolts. The past is past.

-An impartial Australian

John Cleese is hilarious. love this letter.

9 08 2010

Agree wholeheartedly.

-Not so patriotic American.

15 03 2018
Daniel O'Callaghan

Hey impartial Aussie,you gave us crocodile Dundee and that was more than I could stomach

8 01 2013

Me too yet it is a travesty for my personal freedom that I have to tell him without the ‘like’ option thus maintaining my anonymity.

16 02 2008

Thanks for sharing- he’s such a funny man, that John Cleese!

16 02 2008
In Which it’s Funny, ‘Cause it’s True (Despite being False) « gilgal

[…] was made aware of this letterhere. But it turns out, John Cleese, despite being one of the funniest gentlemen alive, had nothing to […]

16 02 2008

Really good!!!

16 02 2008

Excellent! Pure genius.

16 02 2008

That was one of the funniest things I have read in a while.

(Oh.. Crap) I forgot to check the dictionary for proper English.

(Do they use the phrase- “Oh Crap” in England?)

23 06 2009

No, the proper expression is “Oh shite”

16 02 2008
International Television

That’s hilarious! Is this from a speech?

16 02 2008

I work at a public library where this is being throroughly enjoyed as only librarians can enjoy such things. Thank you so much for sharing this.

16 02 2008

Love it.

16 02 2008
16 02 2008

bloody brilliant.

16 02 2008
Ben Goering

I’m just curious what the Brits consider to be associated with Kansas? I live here and didn’t think we were THAT horrible, except for the fact that every here is pretty conservative.

21 04 2010

mostly assoicate kansas with wizard of oz, and the whole conservative thing, and the odd joke that the single family tree is a straight line.. pritty much covers the jokes

16 02 2008
David Rickard - » John Cleese’s “Letter to America” « Things Are Looking Up…

[…] John Cleese’s “Letter to America” « Things Are Looking Up… […]

16 02 2008
Jason Heggie

Hahahah This is awesome, a real celebration of Britishness 🙂

Now if Mr.Cleese would be so kind as to write a letter to all Polish immigrants I would be so grateful.

16 02 2008
Ken Stox

This was NOT written by John Cleese:

16 02 2008

I for one welcome our new British overlords. I believe the proper response, if I can trust the Harry Potter movies, is “Brilliant!”

16 02 2008
16 02 2008
16 02 2008
Ben Goering

After reading this all the way through, I have to say I agree with 11, 15, and 19.

All the rest of them pissed me off, not because I’m an ‘ignorant American,’ but probably most of all because I’m not.

But then again, I’m also not so ignorant as to think this was entirely serious.

16 02 2008

American English is inferior to “‘Allo me old china – wot say we pop round the Jack. I’ll stand you a pig and you can rabbit on about your teapots. We can ‘ave some loop and tommy and be off before the dickory hits twelve.”?


8 09 2009

Yes, It IS inferior. Read what you typed again. Bask in its awe.

31 12 2010

Do people really speak like that in England? After living here all my life, I can say that not once have I heard someone talking like that.

Also, the letter refers to standard language, not colloquial language such as the example you used.

So… huh.

20 05 2011

It is a dialect called “Cockney”, only spoken in a small area of London, England. Being from Scotland I have absolutely no idea what most of it means but I appreciate the humour none the less!

Also I really hate that Google Spell Checker just tried to correct “humour” to “humor”. Case and Point!

29 01 2017
Pamela Schneider

That was funny, Huh

16 02 2008

Does this mean we can look forward to a drastic increase in muggings, burglaries, and assaults as well??

19 05 2010

Well, you can certainly look forward to less gun violence and obesity.

5 12 2016

lmao (in a british accent)

16 02 2008
Daniel Post

Greetings; pip-pip, cheerio, and a Captain Crunch to all. I, Daniel Post, will henceforth welcome and receive our Limey, “al-you-mini-yum” elocutioning over-Lords & Ladies.

16 02 2008
16 02 2008

Older than the internet.

16 02 2008

I assume this is a modest proposal. 🙂

Love your humor.

16 02 2008

Pretty funny, but one thing – John Cleese didn’t write this! Oops!!!



16 02 2008
da t

oh man – best open letter lately!

16 02 2008

I don’t think this is John Cleese. This was floating around the internet for a long time. It was on the KMFDM site for months three years ago, posted by ananymous, with a different Prime Minister.

16 02 2008
Gary Rosen

But at least our religious leaders aren’t caving in to savages who get their kicks from slicing people’s heads off and torturing rape victims.

4 01 2010

random. where did that come from???

16 02 2008

snopes com.politics.satire.revocation.asp

16 02 2008
16 02 2008
Allan Batchelder

Sounds good, as long as Mr. Cleese is willing to burn every dollar he’s made in America or off Americans…

16 02 2008 » Blog Archive » John Cleese's "Letter To America"

[…] This is hilarious. Gotta love John Cleese. […]

16 02 2008
16 02 2008
Alan Abel

An excellent plan by John Cleese. Hopefully, the Queen will recognize that Homeland Security’s Color Code….to warn us of an impending attack….leaves unprotected 2.5 million people who are colorblind. Yours sincerely, Alan Abel

16 02 2008
Don Lingerfelt

Very good. However, the British Internal Revenue is not as vicious as the IRS, so it may be better. The Germans seem to have the ability to make beer as well.

16 02 2008
Fab's blog » L’Amérique n’est plus indépendante

[…] vous êtes anglophone et appréciez les Monty Pythons, ne ratez pas cette lettre de John Cleese Powered by Gregarious (42) Share […]

16 02 2008
my wu-chi blog - » John Cleese’s “Letter to America”

[…] Read the letter. […]

16 02 2008

I giggled at several places.

16 02 2008
Our Transcendent Splendor

O, and concerning Mr. Darwin; one gathers that fully 2/3 of you support the account of Creation found in Genesis.

As you have never bothered to actually read that book — as well as any others, evidently — it’s the bit at the front about laboring for six days, with Sundays off and perhaps a nice tour of the countryside.

Kindly knock the stuffing out of your heads and return to school forthwith.

4 01 2010

another random. i can’t be entirely sure but i’m assuming you support darwinism. i suggest you consider the fact not even darwin supported his theory. he died a devout christian.

23 02 2010

Wow, you’re dumb and you believe fake stories that other people tell you (such as Darwin not supporting his own theory).

No wonder you’re a Christian.

16 02 2008
American McNugget

Though you have made many valid points, you have been labeled a terrorist threat and thus should prepared to be bombed shitless.

16 02 2008
American McNugget

Formal revision: *prepare

16 02 2008
John Cleese’s “Letter to America” « What I Think About That

[…] John Cleese’s “Letter to America” « Things Are Looking Up… Posted in America, humor. […]

16 02 2008
Sean RN

Very funny. Thanks for the laugh

16 02 2008

Great idea! Just promise Camilla won’t be Queen of the United States.

16 02 2008
Marius Piedallu van Wyk

Not actually written by John Cleese, but funny nonetheless.


16 02 2008

Old. Many years old.

Fake. Very Fake.

This nonsense does the rounds often.

It’s funny, but please don’t claim John Cleese wrote this. He would have done a much better job of it.

16 02 2008
Matthew Frantz

Dear Mr. Cleese,

As an American who has lived abroad, I would wholly agree with some of the things you put forth. For one I agree that our, well your, language is horribly misused, taught, and pronounced here in the United States. Furthermore, American beer is nothing more that “Gnat’s Urine” compared to English Beer or any European Lager for that matter. However, roundabouts are not the end-all-be-all, they have there flaws as well. As for driving on the left, does it honestly make a difference? British actors in American films, perhaps you should just stop participating in them all together? Honestly what do you gain? British films are great by themselves, well at least ones not staring Hugh Grant. Mr. Cleese, I hope your letter changes the way we Yanks act, at least some. As for Kansas, perhaps Royal Rubbish Heap?

From across the pond,

Matthew Frantz

16 02 2008


16 02 2008
Bruce A

Fake as the day is long.

16 02 2008

ha, myes, perfect

16 02 2008

21. Our agents already stationed in North America will ensure compliance. You call them ‘Canadians’.

3 07 2010

Bloody well said, ol’ chap

16 02 2008

WTF @ 11… we still use miles, feet and inches

2 12 2011
Steph Hall

that is the point… British sense of humour 😀

16 02 2008
Late Developer

So funny, so true. It’s just a small step until the world and its wife starts putting up “ANW*” posters plus a picture of the American flag with a red line through it in their shop windows.

* Americans Not welcome

16 02 2008

Regarding item 20. Yes, thank you for also taking on our $9.3 trillion in national debt. I’m sure the British people will appreciate everything they will get in this transaction.

16 02 2008
Gone Native

Dear Mr. Cleese,

The attempts of your redcoats at civilising us Americans will fail. The country has already irretrievably reverted to mindless savages controlled by television. Bloody hell, I thought with shows like Monty Python television had such potential!

Best regards,

The Hon. Gone Native (deceased)

16 02 2008

Funny. I think we implemented our 2nd Amendment though (which you address with point #9) specifically to make sure “the resumption of monarchical duties” never occurs. You’re just gonna’ have to get used to how we pronounce “aluminum.”

16 02 2008

21. To make sure that your country more resembles ours you will soon experience a great influx of islamist-extremists who will make sure any remain freedoms that we may have left you will be taken away one by one.

I mean…c’mon…we got to make sure we get the full effect of being an elite european nation.

16 02 2008

God bless America,

no one else will.

16 02 2008
16 02 2008

too bad it’s not true.

16 02 2008

Bloody hilarious…only the English could put the “you” Yanks in humour and the “us” in you Yanks and we English…

16 02 2008
Johnny Rebel

Go soak your head, you Arrogant Godless English Prick.

16 02 2008
Kent G

This was a Fawlty Towers gig a few years ago. My response then:


The Honorable Mr. Cleese/Fawlty,

We will accept your declaration with the proviso if, and only if, the following conditions are met in full and in perpetuity:

1. The Empire. We would be happy to return to Commonwealth or Dominion status, but only if such an empire were of sufficient stature to include the greatest country in the world. Therefore, you would at least need to retake India and probably South Africa in order to restore the whole “…sun never sets on the British Empire” twaddle.

2. Language. We will agree to add all the superfluous u’s and gh’s that you wish. However, there will have to be other simplifications such as calling a lorry what it actually is, a truck, and a Queen what she actually is, a mannequin. Also, you have to actually let the public go to public schools, as well as actually pronouncing words in some semblance of how they look, rather than saying “Sir Rafe Sinjin Worster Smythe” for a fellow named Ralph Saint James Worchester Smith. Cutting down on all the extra names might save a lot a paper and ink too.

3. Speaking of Her Moronity…er…Majesty, there will definitely be a change with regard to the whole royals situation. Henceforth, they will take on the same status as sports stars and actors. If they do something stupid, they get roasted in the press, and if they continue to make fools of themselves, they eventually will fall out of favor and be replaced with someone more interesting or talented. No more of this same family gets all the jewels and worship for centuries on end. We pick who gets big. One other thing, no more pinheaded marriage choices either. Charles might have lucked into a stand up gal in Diana, but Camilla? Oops. Fergie? Ha. Whomever the soft porn star that prince #2 or 3 married and then got dumped by? And so on and on, ad nauseaum. While you’re at it, go ahead and skip Charles and go right to William. He’s smart, good looking and nowhere near the blathering nerd his dad turned out to be. Besides, then we (and you) wouldn’t have to suffer through more years of the queen looking like a bag of potatoes with a bonnet on top.

4. We’ll give British actors more parts and watch your TV series, but there will be a limit of 2 Merchant-Ivory pix per year so as to keep up the level of quality, rather than letting them run down as they have in the past few years. In exchange, we will restrict Woody Allen to one film every 5 years with no love scenes involving him, in the hope that that will revive his career.

5. Cricket. If we are to give up the excitement of football where the athletes actually have to be coordinated enough to use both hands and feet, then you will have to get rid of the utterly mind-numbing boredom of cricket, and replace it with the much more exciting and fast growing sport originated here that is lacrosse. Much faster than soccer, more scoring than cricket and better hitting than rugby. Baseball we will keep since you invented its original form, but we will open up the World Series to all nations. In fact, in a show of honor to Britain, we will even invite you to play us in the inaugural real World Series and show us how it’s done. By the way, no bouncing the ball in the dirt like ponces, you actually have to hit the 95 MPH ball thrown to you. Batter up.

6. Cooking and cleaning. You have to develop a cuisine. Something more interesting than glorified Mrs. Paul’s fish sticks or a big old roast and pudding. Then you have to brush your teeth after every meal like we do. It’s not hard, and some of you have even mastered it. Elizabeth Hurley and Colin Firth seem to have nice teeth, can’t you get everyone else to get with it? As for restaurants and aggressive service, you apparently have never been a newbie ordering a cheesesteak at Geno’s in South Philly, nor been an out of towner in a diner in New York. Give it a try.

7. We have been singing “God Save The Queen” for many years, we just improved the lyrics a ton. Get used to it.

8. Driving. We’ll give up American cars if you promise to stop building worse ones as well. A world of German, Swedish and Asian cars wouldn’t be so bad. Roundabouts will be fine, but it’ll be driving on the right side like the 97.85% of the world except you, the Japanese, the Blighters and a couple other countries who did what you told them 100 years ago when setting up the roads. Raise the petrol prices to whatever. At least we won’t have to worry about gas guzzling Jaguars and Range Rovers breaking down. Ford seems to have gotten better at quality, but their investment in British cars certainly hasn’t.

9. Speaking of the Empire and all that. We might as well settle up about Canada and Australia. Canada will become our 51st state, since they essentially are anyway. Australia would be the 52nd, since they basically act like us and want to be like us as well, not to mention the whole thing about leaving you as outcasts and persecuted like we did. We just adapted better.

10. Beer. Well, it will be fine if we follow the car scenario. We will give up all American beer that’s like making love in a canoe. However, you have to stop making the abominable cross between cat urine and tar that is served slightly less warm than that. That leaves us with German and other European beers, plus Asian ones, which would be just fine.

11. Finally, taxes. Feel free to tote up the bill since 1776. When you are done, just subtract out the costs of saving your arses…er…helping you out in WWI, WWII and the Cold War, and then send us the balance you owe us (in euros, no pounds sterling please). At that point, we will be happy to submit to your pleasure.

If the above terms are not acceptable, well, you’ll have to settle for being number 2 for a few more years.


Kent G

16 11 2009

my thougts of john cleese’s letter (even tho it wasnt his), and Kent g’s above letter who somewhat lacks any humour or personality ..
1.Yes americans should definetly look up the word aluminium, believe it or not its actually pronounced Al-um-in-i-um funny that. NOT Al-ooooom-in-um DER!

2. I dont really think the letter U should be put into american words but ‘burra’ should be changed to ‘burgh’. On second thought i think they should change it cos for instant, ‘Colour’ isnt actaually pronounced ‘color’ its just the american’s which have changed the pronunciation so then changed the spelling if the U’s were put back in then they might learn how to talk better! no offence. Everyone should be allowed to speak how they want to of course..
The work Cheque should not be written as check cos thats just silly.

3. What is with the talking with a squeek all about!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????
Why have american’s decided years ago that instead of talking normally like the rest of the human race, theyre going talk from the back of their throat which makes them sound sqeeky. They sound utterly annoying and stupid is not the word!
Cmon can you not hear yourselves???? Unfortunatly the rest of the world can, and that is why youre being sneered at.

4. The majority of Brit’s do not give a flying F*ck about the Royal family so when you insult them, youre actually not insulting us because we really dont give a toss. As for our government – get real! Talk about a bunch of money grabbing time wasters.

5. Where the hell have American’s got the idea about how us Brit’s talk???? Even in a not so old film, Independance day with will smith, theyve got the English speaking like a bunch of nancy pompos priks, the only people in england who actually speak like that are, probably the Royals and all the snobby private school rich bastards – but NO ONE ELSE that is where american has no clue. England has a very large variety of different speaking accents, some i cant even understand…
The accent in the films Lock stock and Snach are accents from a PART of London, not even all of london talks like that, just a small part of it…therefore do your homework first before protraying all brits witha stupid accent instead of just a very minor minority part of england which is what it really is.

6. We have a lot of very very great english actors, far better than alot of your american ones actually so there.

7. American should definetly play rugby, they think theyre playing rugby, when they play ‘football’ but actually no theyre not, only REAL men can play rugby, the way its suppossed to be played.
Football should have stayed at being called football and not changed stupidly to ‘soccer’, whats the point. Its rugby and football not football and soccer.
Cricket is an old english very british game which shouldnt be gotten rid of as its part of our history even though i would rather watch paint dry than watch it, as with golf too, thats just as bloody boring, only my opinion though.
Ive no problem with Basebell, i wouldnt watch it though, not very exciting, rather watch football. (thats, football, not soccer..)

8.Why are you talking about teeth? So youve seen like 2 people on telly who happened to be english who happened to have crap teeth so typical american style you then think cos youve seen a couple of brits you then class the whole of england the same, again Stupidy comes up…
By the way weve all seen plenty of manky teeth belonging to americans but were not as think as to say everyone in america must have shite teeth.
But, what is the hell wrong with the dress sense and hair styles a vast amount of americans have, they look like theyre 50 years behind!

9. Roundabouts shouldnt be brought to america, cos OLD people are a pain in the ass and drive round them the wrong way so sod that idea.
Yes american cars are abit pants cmon get real please. Theyre ugly, massive, ugly, no stlye, ugly, slow…
On the police camera action american programmes the american presenter shouts out OH MY GOD THAT GUYS DOING 40 KM !!! and????????
you think thats fast, you really need to try a different car.

10. Stop saying GOOD JOB!!!! (ina squueky annoying voice) for eveything , youre supposed to say Well Done , Great Crongratulations not Good job, its not a sodden job when a child gets a question right in class is it? GAWD one day you mite hear just how stupid you all sound…

11.Taxes are aload of shit so i wouldnt impose them on anyone. Thats the government trying to get more money thats all.
Petrol prices should be as cheap here as they are there.

12. whats with the american sense of humour, do they even have one?

13. Chips are chips . Chips are not fries unless you fry them, what dyou call oven cooked chips, Ovens? JUst stop makng sodden words up . There is no such thing as american english, english is english stop trying to F*ck it up.

14. NOt disputing the fact that american’s may have helped the brits in the wars, they may have come in and fired a few random rounds with their eyes closed and assumed thats how you Fight…not disputing that at all.

15. Very tru about them needing a therapist for everything so funny.

yours W JR

16 11 2009

Another thing, the world doesnt love america, the world doesnt worship america, America need to pull their heads out of the arses to realise that the only people who love america are the americans GET OVER IT

14 11 2016
Daniel O'Callaghan

cut off your foreign aid and you will be here on your knees giving us head jobs

19 05 2010

For the record, Australians hate Americans. We find them arrogant, overpowering and narrow minded. Your letter is proof to this fact.

PS: Americans overexaggerate their role in WWI and II, and America did not assist the British in the Cold War. The British played a minor role, because they weren’t paranoid.
PPS: You didn’t invent lacrosse.
PPPS: The use of ‘u’ is not suplerferous. At least we know how to pronouce vowels.
PPPPS: God save the Queen.

9 04 2011

I would just like to say that there would most likely never have been a WWII if the Americans had shown the slightest interest in European politics during Hitler’s rise to power. They could have also saved millions of lives in the 5 years of war that decimated Europe and the USSR after that if they could have brought themselves to stop benefitting economically from their sole superpower status and actually deigned to help for three seconds so it wears pretty thin that you guys seem to think you are our saviors rather than opertunists waiting for the best time to benefit from intervention.

As to the royal family I would not expect you to understand what it means to have genuine history and culture. I will leave you to your sports stars and actors as clearly the idea of respectfully acknowleging the history apparent in an establishment that has helped shaped the world for the past 1000 years is completely beyond the capabilities of a nation which has been around for like totally two whole minutes.

Finally if we have to develop a cuisine so do you. Fried fat and animal intestines somthered in ketchup and bread does not count even if you can serve it in under a minute.


26 04 2014

genious kent, love the reply, up to scratch.

5 02 2017

Kent G. Enjoyed the read and agreed with almost everything in it. Have visited England and found it most inhospitable whereas in the US people very friendly and the food very good not like England. Have travelled many countries and England is always on the by pass.

16 02 2008

This guy’s an idiot… Japan rocks at baseball and so does Cuba. Infact, Cuban baseball teams could stomp ours anyday.

16 02 2008

Congratulations you’re 8 years behind the internet:

The Notice of Revocation of Independence was originally posted 8th November, 2000 by Alan Baxter (Rochester, U.K.) on an internal newsgroup of a company which spans the U.K., U.S. and Australia. I work for the same company and use the same newsgroups so I got to see the early versions of the Revocation and find out about its history. After a few more additions, extending a four-point item to a 10-point and then a 13-point item, Peter Rieden (Farnborough, U.K.) mailed the Revocation to the external newsgroup sci.military.naval on 15th November to entertain American subscribers during off-topic discussion of election issues.

16 02 2008
Lorenzo E. Danielsson


16 02 2008
Marcelo Negrini

Please, tell the Queen to take Brazil under the crown too! We have nicer beaches than US, and we speak horrible English, so you Brits can make fun of us. We may even commit genocide over Paraguay again, as we did following orders from Queen Victoria in the 19th Century, if you let us kill all Argentinians too (come on, you don’t like them either).

16 02 2008
Bruce A
16 02 2008
scott somerville

RIGHT ON!! But you shall be Prime Minister.

16 02 2008

Brilliant. It’s about goddamn time.

16 02 2008

I for one welcome our new English overlords, on one condition:
John Cleese must deliver this manifesto personally to my doorstep. I will accept nothing else, and will in fact, form a spunky guerilla militia made up of good looking high schoolers to combat the English if he does not deliver.

16 02 2008

Dear John Cleese,

Eat shit.


12 12 2009

Calm down!?!?!?!?!

It’s a joke. You know, FUNNY, NOT TRUE!!!!!!!!

16 02 2008
scott anderson

Sir Cleese, Your Honor, or However I am Supposed to Address You Now.

Rather happy to accept her majesty’s leadership, although I’m not sure I’ll be able to attend any official ceremonies in the near future – I understand the British are frightfully fond of them. I’m not sure why, having seen one on TV–perhaps I’ll understand after a nice baskets of fish and chips. And a pint of bitter.

There is one sticky wicket (See! I’m getting the hang of it): Andie MacDowell actually portrayed an American in Four Weddings and a Funeral. Not very well, mind you, but there you have it. Much better to take Kevin Costner to task for his alleged accent in Robin Hood.

Have a great day. It’s cold and gray (sorry, grey) here in Fort Worth–apparently your stereotypical British weather has arrived early to set the stage.

We look forward to seeing you on your next visit, and to finally getting a proper Page 3 in the local paper.

-Scott Anderson

26 04 2014


16 02 2008

Stupid englander.
We laugh in your general direction!

16 02 2008

Maybe now we’ll get health care…. Yay!

16 02 2008
Nathaniel Heidenheimer

John, as per question 19 accross it was the cia, which i think was an old subsidiary of General Electric before I had my idea of the opposite surgically removed by a wrinkled German who called himself Pavlov.

Can’t chat, have to go and vote in the Florida primaries for the false oppostite of CNN’s choice.

16 02 2008

Hahaha!! Cleese is brilliant!

16 02 2008

The only thing I have a problem with is no ketchup on my fries and no football being available. Other than that I always thought the Parliamentary system was a better system anyways.

16 02 2008
Nathaniel Heidenheimer

P.S. Please send Rupert Murdoch to do a historical reenactment of Gallipoli, only give the turks and gypos live amo and maybe well both come out of it with an opposition party!

16 02 2008
Jack MacMaster

While this is an imaginative scheme from a delusional self-loathing twit, there are problems…: first, the taxes due Her Majesty’s Crown Government will be deducted from the war debts owed the United States for keeping Britain afloat during WWII; second; Britain itself is a microscopic speck on a gnat’s ass in the great global contest between nations that actually matter (the U.S., China, Japan, Russia, India); third, and perhaps most significant, Andie MacDowell was cast as an American expatriate in “Four Weddings and a Funeral”.

23 02 2010

India matters more than the UK in International Relations? Man, you’re the dumbest one yet.

16 02 2008

But it’s still funny.

I also like your blog. Good luck!

16 02 2008
Marty Fried

This is in no way connected to John Cleese. It has been circulating and growing for over half a dozen years.

16 02 2008

Funny, though it’s not really from John Cleese.

16 02 2008

John Cleese didn’t say this. Someone did, but not him.

16 02 2008
HughJ R Daman

You will be met with open arms. Please start with Camden NJ, Detroit, East LA, most of Houston and South Beach and see if you still want it back….

16 02 2008

This piece is not by John Cleese.

16 02 2008


16 02 2008
John Cleese’s letter to America « Pascal’s Blog

[…] Cleese’s letter to America Original Link Dear Citizens of America, In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to […]

16 02 2008

It’s an Urban Legend.

16 02 2008

lol, but years too late

16 02 2008

So old it’s not funny, and already been proven wrong over and over. Fail.

16 02 2008
Tom Sucks

Sorry, wrong.

16 02 2008
Chris Robertson

Excellent! One small addition:

19 (A) If the person or persons concerned could forego shooting Mr Obama when he is elected President, the rest of us would be exceedingly grateful.

16 02 2008
A page for randomness » John Cleese’s “Letter to America”

[…] Source: John Cleese’s “Letter to America” « Things Are Looking Up… […]

16 02 2008
16 02 2008

Sir John Cleese,
It is good to hear from UK we lost track after 1776. Did you pry the queen from the throne yet.. No? Oh well. By the way can I put my permit in for the vegetable peeler. I have rather rough looking vegetables in my garden.. Bring the german cars please and can you do something about your pizza.. What is that stuff on there? Those pasties are awesome . As far as electing a competent president .. Have younseen the choices we have been getting lately .. Time to put some clorine in the gene pool … What rock did they dig these up from must have been hunting for mushrooms at the time. Anyway John I loved the letter and I love the UK .. May we always be the best of friends.. Even if our government has a bunch of gits in them … 🙂

16 02 2008
Letter to America — krótka piłka

[…] John Cleese, „Letter to America” […]

16 02 2008

Wow, it’s been years since I saw this. It’s been changed slightly, but I don’t think you should be passing it off as original material. And I don’t think it has anything to do with Mr. Cleese.

16 02 2008

Itś too bad you (and I) did not come across this a year ago. It would have been even funnier then.

16 02 2008
Paul Xavier

Hilarious! I always was wondering what the English think of America! lol

16 02 2008

Very funny. One point: to be fair to Andie McDowell, she was playing an American living in London in “Four Weddings and a Funeral”.

16 02 2008

It is “of AMERICA” not “is” AMERICA. What “COUNTRY” do You hope to have pride in?

16 02 2008
16 02 2008

Dear John Cleese,

WW1 and WW2…need I say more?

Oh, thanks America. LOLz.



16 02 2008

It’s good for a chuckle. Even re-served, but it is a good time to re-serve it.

Have you seen the replies? This one is fair:

Best regards,


16 02 2008

John Clees can in good old “American English” go FUC* Himself!

16 02 2008


You’ve been dugg! Congrats!

16 02 2008

Bwahahaha. I think, the eighth point would suffice on its own, although the letter would be much less funny. God save us all until then:P

P.S.: I feel a bit tentative about the potato peeler…

16 02 2008
nathan seabury

I in.


16 02 2008

some good ideas, but ugly “birds”, yellow teeth, the term “give me a fag” and hooligans stay in England. this is non negotiable. as is walking around like you have a stick up your bum.

15 11 2009

thats not true, as you know but the reason you bring it up is cos your clearly ashamed of your american ugly plastic orange girls with blindingly ridiculously coloured flourensent white teeth and Give me a fag’ is better than your pompos way ‘give me a ciggy’ Hooligans, hello? guns, knifes in america, biggest crime destination ….. stop walking around like uv a lamp post up urs

16 02 2008

very nice 🙂

16 02 2008


16 02 2008

V ^
xx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
x x ————— O
xxx ————— xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
x x ————— x
x x x xxxxxxxxx
x x x xx x
x x x x x x
x x
x x

Tell the Queen that she had better forget about Texas too!

16 02 2008
Sean O'Neil

I for one welcome our dry new overlords. You might what to steal some of our spices and put it in your food too.

16 02 2008

John Cleese did not write this. You should revise your post.

16 02 2008
PJ Doland

John Cleese didn’t write this:

16 02 2008

It’s fake, but pretty damn funny.

16 02 2008
Rich Detroit USA

F’n brilliant. We’d be better off

16 02 2008

This should have been done long ago when Budwiser declared itself the “King” of beers!

16 02 2008

I like #11, switching to driving on the left side of the road. But it might be too much to expect everybody to switch sides immediately. Perhaps we should do it in stages, over the course of a month, starting with just big transport trucks (lorries) and then working down to minivans and finally cars.

16 02 2008

best laugh I’ve had in ages 🙂

16 02 2008
16 02 2008

would have been funny if you kept up with the reinstatement of british control over america. got a bit lame when you went into differences in culture.

16 02 2008

I’m glad WWII worked out so well for you.

16 02 2008
16 02 2008

Dear Mr Kless,
Us Americans shor do thank you for leting us no where we are f**king up at and look forward to meeting your queen. See lots of us americans are queens and we welcome any quewer even if he/she is a limey!
((((HUGS))) Kelli

16 02 2008

Straight off facebook…

i love it though. oh to be British….

16 02 2008

……and The Republic of Texas is Back again. Enjoy your tea rest of the US

16 02 2008

This is awesome!!!!

16 02 2008


16 02 2008
Βαλάντης Γάσπαρης


16 02 2008

I love this. Very well-done. Long live John Cleese.

God save our Queen.

16 02 2008
The Red Pill

21. You will be forced into dhimmitude like we are.

16 02 2008

This is all old. Is it even by Cleese

16 02 2008

The English think they are the most loquacious and sophisticated people. I just wonder if such a proud attitude is required by their inept sense of government.

16 02 2008
King Richard

Man, I didn’t know the brits were still bitter about the whole “break up” thing. Listen, “Cool Britannia”, we can still have booty calls, but we aren’t serious anymore!

16 02 2008
D. Allineare

This is not by John Cleese.

16 02 2008
Jay’s Spin on the World! » John Cleese’s “Letter to America”

[…] the independence of America is being revoked, eh? Funniest thing I’ve read in weeks!read more | digg […]

16 02 2008

Does this mean we don’t have to tip anymore?

16 02 2008
16 02 2008
John Koetsier


16 02 2008

OH MY GOD!!! This is ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!! As an American however I must say I refuse to pronounce Aluminium the way Brits do – I simply refuse, I’m sorry Mr. Cleese – I love you and all….but…*NO*…nnnnnno.

16 02 2008

By the KING, I should make you PAY WITH YOUR– Oh, sorry. That was rather funny…hehe. I loved Monty Python’s Flying Circus!

16 02 2008

This was not written by John Cleese.

16 02 2008

Dear Citizens of Great Britain,

In view of your failure to recall an incompetent Prime Minister and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your sovereignty, effective immediately.

16 02 2008

This is preposterous!

If you Britons keep ranting we’ll send all YOUR religious nuts back to you. We expect some gratitude, guys.

16 02 2008

This is *not* actually by John Cleese, see:

16 02 2008
England reclaims America » Leefe rates the world…

[…] found a funny take on this in John Cleese’s “Letter to America”. A notice revoking their independence and informing them of the changes that will be […]

16 02 2008

(pronounced Ozzy, not aw-see)

Very funny. And Old.

I wonder if many Americans even know what the cause of the break-up was.

But living under “British rule” hasn’t been unkind to Australia.

16 02 2008
Mike Rice

Look at all these fools (Americans), who can’t take this as a joke…

16 02 2008

‘citizen’ wells and lou-

please leave the USA, or stay in Alabama.
– people like YOU
are our problem!

An American

16 02 2008

While humorous, this was not authored by John Cleese. It’s been around the internet in different forms for years. The notion that Cleese wrote it is an urban legend.

16 02 2008

Here is an Ass hat for you and your Queen.

Thank you

16 02 2008
Fred Yorktown

Interesting. He conveniently forgets to mention that Tony Blair spent much of the past eight years with his head stuck firmly in Georgie’s rectum.

16 02 2008
Chris Mitchell

Cleese is great. Always has been. Eh, Mr. Moon? But . . .

1. un-King’d jorge busho is too dumb to negotiate a roundabout.

2. Being dumb is cool in the USA ~ see #1, above.

3. So, uhh, 27-word, you know, vo–cab–u–lar–eez (Did I say it right?), mmm, is like, uhh, hmm, a gross, you know, totally awesome overestimate.

4. John, if you think deliberately dumbed-down Americans can learn where to put the extra “u” in British English . . . the joke is on you. Ha, ha, HA! Just watch their last semi-functioning hedonistic brain cell short circuit.

5. As for back taxes, check with the Rothchilds who own the central bank of England. They have the USA’s gold and whatever American wealth their Rockefeller partners in crime didn’t pillage & plunder.

6. I must consult with my therapist about giving up my lawyer, and seek advise from my lawyer about breaking my weekly contract with my therapist. Meanwhile, I might need my gun. I’ll get back to you about all that.

7. Shall we give all the crappy US and British cars to the islamos who are overrunning and hostilely occupying Britain? And by reclaiming “the colonies,” shall we soon expect the pleasure of your company in the once-great USA?

16 02 2008

Will we be required to pronounce “schedule” as “shedule”? I can’t handle that. If I have to pronounce it “shedule” then I’m moving to Mexico…or is it Mehico?

16 02 2008
schlicko the magnificent

But, wait now… #20
Oh yeah… taxes…. that started this whole independence thing, didn’t it? (Can you say “Boston Tea Party”… That’s back when Boston was cool… well, they gave us Aerosmith… so Thanks). Let that be a warning to the “tax and spend” politicians… ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE TAXATION… GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF OUR WALLETS!!

16 02 2008

21. Her Majesty’s CommonWealth Agency north of the 49th parallel (just above the former mainland USA’s northern border), will hereby install a proxy capital for the former United States of America, somewhere near Spy Hill, Saskatchewan [Google Map Reference:

16 02 2008

So funny!!!…..thanks for giving us a different angle about ourselves!………..I laughed and later thought, hey…….you might have something here.

16 02 2008
ken jacobsen

Please note that this is yet another internet fraud. I remember seeing this years ago after the first election.

16 02 2008
16 02 2008

This is false, the article is real…just doesn’t belong to John Cleese. Get your facts straight before spreading garbage over the internet.

16 02 2008

Dear Mr. Cleese,


16 02 2008

Haven’t seen that speech in years.

Funny how the old becomes new again.

16 02 2008
Ann El Khoury

This is terrific and funny but as Noel crucially noted above ( noel (16:15:42), was NOT actually written by Cleese. Follow the link Noel includes, and here’s another:

16 02 2008

After you look up “revocation,” look up some urban myths at the great website, This piece is funny, but the problem is that John Cleese didn’t write it.

17 02 2008

anytime you feel like trying it come on over. This Scottish American would love to kick your ass back to England

17 02 2008

When do we stop taking care of our teeth?

Which incompetent president from the last 20 years is he talking about? Cause that’s all we’ve had.

17 02 2008


17 02 2008

my potato peeler is bigger then yours…

17 02 2008

John Cleese didn’t even write this.

17 02 2008

wow this is a repost of a very old joke. Guess i’ll post this in another 8 years.

17 02 2008
17 02 2008
Mitchell Walker

After studying the bastarization that the United States calls English and observing their insane, and often assanine forms of perversion; I am forced to conclude that the American Colonies in Insurrection need to surrender to the Crown.


17 02 2008
Letter To America, by John Cleese - Offtopicz

[…] To America, by John Cleese John Cleeses Letter to America Dear Citizens of America, In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to […]

17 02 2008

hey citizen wells,

it was obviously a joke, and the generation of american society that cleese is referring to has long since gone. we are not the same country we were 50 years ago. let john cleese do his shit.

17 02 2008

This has been around the net for ages and John Cleese absolutely did not write it…check snopes.

17 02 2008

Dear citizenwells,

80% Of Nazi casualties occurred on the Eastern front, you (USA = ya’ll) all came in late and as usual took all the credit. The French (the people who gave you the statue of liberty and the French fry (USA = racist fry) also helped you out there by bank rolling your poor arses (USA = Asses). In fact I cannot remember a war you did win, er… yes you did steal most of your country from the English, French, Mexicans and of course the Natives, I agree with Mr Cleese, you don’t know what to do with arms other than to harm yourselves, please give them to a responsible adult.

17 02 2008
Milman 39

Oh, no! T’America might be governed as well only by Russians. > Kak nado, Amerikoj mogut upravljat tol’ko russkie.

17 02 2008

hey John, you missed the point … lol … the world laughs at you, not with you post again, this time try using your own words.

17 02 2008
17 02 2008
Arco Hoogerhyde

Very funny and unfortunately very true. The Brithish can kick out the facists republicans and turn this soon to be a hell hole of a country into a representative democracy again.

Don’t worry our Facists won’t fight back. They are all Westerners, and Southern Baptists. Crackers talk a lot of ‘stuff’ but will run away like George Bush did from Vietnam if faced with actual opposition.

Oh and I agree American football is a nancy game compared to rugby. BUT WE WILL KEEP BASEBALL. Learn to love it!

Oh, and let the Texans have their Republic of Texas. The British, and the rerturned American colonies, will be better off without those morons anyhow. Texans are proof of reverse evolution.

In fact leave out all the inbred southern states, save Florida. The old people need some place to go and die.


17 02 2008

This is pretty old, as in around 2000, and it was not written by John Cleese.

The first time around, it wasn’t titled “Letter to America”, but “Declaration of Revocation” as a jab at the Declaration of Independence.

17 02 2008
diogene malamati

It suddenly come to my mind: I would love to send a letter to italians regarding their ineptitude to rule Italy, or any other imaginary structure for that matter. Will any of you English people apply to rule it instead? This doesn’t mean you have to learn italian, or any specific law they use, ignorance on this will not distinguish you from them. Neither you need any particular grade of education which is not appreciated in that country. Be prepared anyway to be subtle and versed in television acting, no other method of persuasion will be accepted.

Diogene Malamati

17 02 2008

Are people still recycling this tired rubbish? John Cleese did not write it.

An English person (NOT Brit, hideous term).

17 02 2008

loved every part of it …laughed my guts out !!!!!!!!!! loved the 10th one …….american cars are really crapppyyyy !!!!!!!!!!

17 02 2008

Very good, pretty much just put Seinfeld in the bin, well the trash…

17 02 2008
Cleese addresses the nation « THINGS

[…] addresses the nation Posted on February 17, 2008 by iljajj This is actually quite old, and accusing someone with ineptitude to choose their leaders only to come up […]

17 02 2008

Ah Actually,
I think you will find that although humorous, that this was not actually from John Cleese.
is the link for this
However, whilst in NZ John did express concern that his audience in New Plymouth seemed to laugh at all the wrong times and not at all when he reasonably may have expected them to.This opinion was not taken very well.

17 02 2008
17 02 2008

I can haz suepeeryorytea komplex now?

17 02 2008
Jezza (another colonial)

What is really funny is the thick as pig sh#t responses from some of the Americans bent on proving how ignorant they are of the world beyond America. And how unable to understand that he equally takes the p#ss out of both sides of the channel: but thanks for so many of you living out a few stereotypes and being unable to laugh at yourselves. My particular favourites were the guy who credited the USA with freeing the UK from Nazi’s… never made it there actually, try reading a history book not printed by readers digest.

There actually ar no muslim countries in the European Union – it would help if you could actually name a couple of those countries wouldn’t it?

The whole AluminIum pronunciation thing… why do you poeple randomly make the I silent?

And the thing about spices… which is incomprehensible to anyone who has visited modern Britain. Well perhaps not an American, who tend to confine their restaurant visits to Mcdonalds and Burger King while overseas.

Frabkly, I hate the Poms too, but at least they have a sense of humour. By the way, my apologies for lumping those of you from the East and West coasts in with the neanderthals from the flyover states.

17 02 2008

Ha, very clever, I always loved that guy.

17 02 2008

You see, only one of you objects, we knew you’d like it.

Phase two is an engineering project to disconnect ourselves from Europe and tow our smallandinsignificantisland that likes to think it punches above its weight, across the Atlantic, anchoring offshore somewhere warm, we deserve some good weather for a change.

PS You’ll love proper fish and chips with a pot of tea, civilised food that you eat with your fingers out of newspaper.

PPS – love the blog

17 02 2008

Americans are too ignorant to understand it. On the other hand, they are drunk on stupidity. They think they bring freedom to the world when all they really do is rape and pillage other countries resources. I don’t think Cleese could have written such a letter to such an audience.

17 02 2008

Revocation of Independence

Claim: Monty Python member John Cleese penned a satirical piece announcing the revocation of America’s independence.

Status: False.

(Cleese has more class)

17 02 2008

I am sorry this is just for fun and not for real!

17 02 2008
the flock mentality of crowds, mayan house, its like you know « inkbluesky

[…] is currently one of the most popular posts on Worpress,  John Cleese’s “Letter to America”  2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and […]

17 02 2008

…Aaaaaaa Graaiiiiiilllllll????????

17 02 2008

@ citizenwells
If you are going to correct historic facts, do stick to the facts, please. Germans never did possess any part of England (not during WWII at least). And, for the record, the crumbling Axes of evil would never have lasted as long without substantial economic and technical (i.e IBM) support from your homeland – now the northern province of the Empire.

17 02 2008

Hilarious, and I agree with disbanding all American cars and adopting German cars, but I completely disagree with disbanding Baseball.

One main point that you are forgetting John, is that yes – we to have the biggest piece of shit president running our country right now. But – the great of thing about America is that he only gets to serve 4 to 8 years, and on January 20th, 2009 we will kick his ass to the curb. We will start over with a new president (hopefully Obama).

You are a comedic genius John, keep up the good work! 🙂

17 02 2008

Dear England,

A good-intentioned response of 20 slightly humorous, but dated, catchphrase-y, stereotypical cultural differences.

Smell Ya Later,

17 02 2008

also, congratulations to all who understood this as it is – a joke. Especially the “yanks”, proof that there’s traces of reason everywhere, even across the pond.

as for the rest of you, who get agitated at a possibility of not recognizing US as the most fabulous and awesome – even if that was true, do read up on your own history before posting comments as these. Notably about the payments – the US got payed handsomely for it’s help in WWs – many islands, loans, deeds to resources throughout the world – is what made the USA as powerful as it is. It’s in your own history textbooks. I know, i’ve studied it in CT.

And last thing: Don’t always believe those who say that ignorance is a bliss.


17 02 2008

” theangryrepublican (12:18:09) :

That was one of the funniest things I have read in a while.
(Oh.. Crap) I forgot to check the dictionary for proper English.
(Do they use the phrase- “Oh Crap” in England?)”

Yes, we do. We also use ‘bugger’ to the horror of a recent student (in Austria) who had looked it up in the dictionary. I had used it in class to avoid the more commonly used word f***. He was convinced I had chosen the worse of the two and spent a considerable amount of time explaining that to me accompanied by a great deal of blushing when I did nothing to help him out. Teaching English has its perks.

Kevin: we only tip in restaurants. Never in pubs. So you’re partly excused from tipping. Especially if the waiters and waitresses are re-trained in the more aggressive British style. Not tipping is in some ways akin to the application of a gun, and sometimes less bloody, provided you’re not in Glasgow.

17 02 2008

Can you say pseudepigraphy?
(I happened upon that word today, so i had to throw it in.)


It’s not much trouble to look this stuff up and get your attributions straight, people!


17 02 2008

hihiih.. i almost pissed my pants!! and he’s right, i bet americans wouldn’t notice the change of the government 😀

9 07 2010
Larry D

Oh my Ivan I do believe they have noticed.

17 02 2008


I love his humour.

17 02 2008
Metal Munky

That’s it man! Save America! Teach Paris Hilton, also the Californians, and increase her vocabulary!! Like, yeah.
To angryrepublican, I believe the nearest English phrase to “Oh, crap” is “Oh, bugger.”
But then again, if you’re preferred to be ruled by the Scots, “oh crap” is still acceptable.

17 02 2008
17 02 2008

Ahh, as some of these comments go to show, some Yanks really don’t have the same sense of humour as we do.

17 02 2008

Can we just send the Queen and the PM over there and start again over here? I for one will pay their economy fare. 🙂

17 02 2008
Letter to America « FightDirector’s Blog

[…] John Cleese’s “Letter to America” […]

17 02 2008

Awesome, and totally correct.

Kent G : #6, England atleast has a culture and fitting food.
Compare that to the ‘culture’ of America : Fast Food and cat piss.
Also if The U.S.A. will not be ruled by either the English Empire or The dutchies, they will have to follow all laws of Canada, after the whole U.S.A population is outlawed and then have to register again under either Canadian, English or Dutch rules.

And Australia will just sit there, be independent and protect Kangaroos.

17 02 2008
17 02 2008
John Cleese’s “Letter to America” is FAKE « The Super Important!

[…] article entitled John Cleese’s “Letter to America” has been doing the Web 2.0 rounds lately (here). Just a heads up, it was debunked by Snopes in March […]

17 02 2008
Monty Python forever. « ARTIECHOKE | EKOHCEITRA

[…] John Cleese’s “Letter to America” […]

17 02 2008
Might as well pass this on as it makes me laugh, and that can only be a good thing « MidgetViking

[…] — midgetviking @ 12:42 Just rediscovered this ‘Letter to America’ on this blog. It’s been going around for several years now, but it’s still worth passing on as […]

17 02 2008

Sorry folks, but that was not written by John Cleese.

17 02 2008

[…] { februari 17, 2008 @ 1:47 pm } · { Vattewer } { } Närapå hysteriskt roligt John Cleese skriver brev […]

17 02 2008
John Self

This isn’t actually by John Cleese as far as I know. It’s one of those ones that does the rounds and has been for years.

17 02 2008
17 02 2008

Surprising this post…its been knocking around in spam mails for at least 2 years that i know of! nevertheless, Cleese is a class act. To the person that asked if Oh crap was in the english language, it is derived from the name of MrThomas Crapper, a Yorkshireman, born in 1836, who helped poularise the flush toilet, and, in a time when bathroom fixtures were barely spoken of, he heavily promoted sanitary plumbing and pioneered the concept of the bathroom fittings showroom. Surely this fuels the contention that britain is the cradle of civilisation? as Oscar Wilde put it, “the english and the americans are two nations separated by a common language”

17 02 2008

I louve British humoouur and doounuouts!

17 02 2008

John, I want you to be the father of my children.

17 02 2008
archiearchive FCD

I have seen this a number of times and have been amused each time. What amazes me is not the number of people who are also amused by it, but by the number of humourless twerps who get aggro about it!

17 02 2008
Jorge Alberto


I write from Brazil, more specifically Rio de Janeiro, and would like to inform you that I did a translation for the Brazilian Portuguese, the text of the letter from John Cleese that at your blog on WordPress.

Since already grateful. I created a link so others can read the text in the original on your blog.

Jorge Alberto

17 02 2008
Carta de John Cleese aos americanos « Recanto das Palavras

[…] texto foi traduzido diretamente do blog Things Are Lookng up e você pode conferir o texto no original. […]

17 02 2008
I Have Been Pythonized (or can I say this in church?) - 2/17/2008 « Medea’s Video Pick of The Day

[…] Monty Python, return to sender, Snopes, US rebuttal When I logged into WordPress this morning, I find this in the Hawt Post regarding John Cleese’s Letter To […]

17 02 2008
willy reeves

i wonder if new york would stand for ken livingstone,s congestion charge and all the rest of his shit

17 02 2008
17 02 2008
Mood Indicator

As a dutchman (for you Americans: Holland is not the capital of Copenhagen nor the other way around) i can only laugh at the brilliant Mr. Cleese. I have only one request. Can you brits get rid of the Night of the Proms, ending every sentence with ‘love’, ‘ta’ and ‘cheers’ and give us dutch Belgium back as our new backyard.

17 02 2008

Best part about this is the response of Americans on here that get their noses out of joint…

17 02 2008

Whoever wrote this in the name of John Cleese hasn’t been to the US

“When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean”.
There are sometimes more people driving german cars when you pass the road over there then anything else!

17 02 2008
Spanish Inquisition

For a proper and true reversal of the errors of Democracy, the former Louisiana Purchase lands should revert to the Royal Family of France, Eldest Daughter of the Church. Florida and The Western Territories to the Most Catholic Crown of Spain, and the North West to the soon to be restored Russian Tsar. Canada can remain as it is, as most persons in the USA are unaware that Canada is not a State of the Union.

I would wager that you did not expect to hear from the Inquisition.

17 02 2008
Can I Get A Witness??? « KPeez VSO Venture

[…] I then came across John Cleese’s hilarious, but poignant, “letter to America” (below) on another blogger’s site and simply had to include it here.  It is simply so SPOT ON!  (As the Brits would […]

17 02 2008

Hahaha…….. That is hillarious.
To the people who think they are so funny talking about WW1 and WW2 debts, you’ll find that the British paid them off ages ago.

17 02 2008
British wit at its best « Nunoftheabove

[…] wit at its best John Cleese’s “Letter to America” Originally uploaded by Browserd. Read the entire blog at: ThingsAreLookingUp… Dear […]

17 02 2008

Just excellent 🙂
You simply have to see and hear Mr. Cleese to understand this!

17 02 2008

Thank you to all those who have hit back at this piece by doing their best quasi-cockney accents. “Aw’rite Guv’nor, lets a’va cuppa tee then shall we?” etc etc.
Firstly the cockney accent is (barely) representative of only a tiny part of a region within our nation.
Secondly – Just in case you didn’t realise already – You’re doing an impression of Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppings. He is an American… trying to do an English accent…
By the same standard I could argue that the sentence: “Ahm gawna go shewt me surm squirls in tha parrrrk tooday. Y’all cummin or what?” is representative of all American accents (which I know is not true)

A very amusing little letter tho. Brightened up my day much.

17 02 2008
Billy Bob

This is a million years old, also it has been modified many times. THe last one I read was Utah not Kansas

17 02 2008
Ari Krauss

Dear Asshole

1. One more post like this and Britain will be lumped into the same category as France with all that it entails.
2. 6 Months out of the year you will be considered part of the US. Just to remind you who wouldn’t be around if it wasn’t for us. (for governor, i’m thinking….Larry the cable guy) Coordinate with France to decide who joins the US during Football (american football) season.
3. No more warnings, we’ve invaded countries for less. We have and will bring democracy on your ass you monarchic idiots.

17 02 2008
John Cleese’s Letter to America « You’re in Your World Now

[…] John Cleese’s Letter to America Link […]

17 02 2008

John, can you hear the sound of the “woosh” as this entire article passes entirely above your head?

17 02 2008

this is great!!

17 02 2008

Touchy Americans on here. If you had as much passion for your politics or your education maybe the rest of the world wouldn’t view you as lazy plebs.

17 02 2008
A Letter to America from John Cleese » The Geeky Brit

[…] John Cleese has seen it fit to inform the colonies of its revovation of its independence. VERY funny. […]

17 02 2008

You, sir, are driving on the wrong side of the road.

17 02 2008

Hmmm. I didn’t realize Andie MacDowell’s character was supposed to be British.

17 02 2008

John Cleese is just trolling his butt hoping for the insertion of some Moslem minaret.

17 02 2008

Dang…itsa bout time ya’ll…he’s made great sense-especially about the beer…sugar water urine samples-is really what they ought to put on the bottles.
And-while at it…lets outlaw all the citizens that say “if I was in charge I’d…”because they are wasting their breath and causing more damage to the o-zone then we realise (ize) realise-ize…thats more better!
We might as well justt call our country ‘China-the slave section’ because we are enslaved by China and Wal-mart…ahhh,lets call it this: Wal-mart Overnight Parking,instead of America…lets vote for store managers instead of presidents…and lets get rid of American Apple Pie and eat fried crikets instead-since we need to get used to starvation after the China folks say…we are sure tired of making this junk stuff for them Americans-and as soon as the battery powered life we have now ends…and Wal-marts become huge indoor suffering stations-moan-a-lots is what I think they will be called….
funny,pretty soon we Americans will be begging the Mexicans to come back-since we quit growing our own food and turned that over to China…we are really stuck!
Hey…go ahead,say to me-America LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT!!
Shooot…where you all at? We gave it away-Amercia,gave it to China-soooo,whats to leave??

17 02 2008

Dear Mr. Cleese,

yes I do love all Americans who took it seriously too, but is not the point. I’d appeal to You, to behave like one native European should and wait for Charles to reign with such a proclamation. No gentleman shall put such a burden on a lady after all.

Polish Joker

17 02 2008

Perfect! That means that, effective immediately, the British government is paying for all of my health care! No Hillary! I love it! 😀

17 02 2008
A Fun Read « WANTED: Wool

[…] A Fun Read Nothing new to report as far as knitting, except adding a magnetic clasp to the Brown Bag, so if you’re bored, or just love John Cleese like me, check this link out! […]

17 02 2008

He makes some excellent point, but you must admit U.S. dentistry is leaps and bounds beyond the British system, eh?

17 02 2008

Damn, er, sorry…bloody good that Mr. Cleese.

Certainly better that the poster who opined that “Australia would be the 52nd, since they basically act like us and want to be like us as well”. Being an Australian resident I can assure you that the vast majority of us are quite pleased, thank you, at NOT wanting to be like Americans, our last (and first mentally retarded) PM notwithstanding. If we seem that way to you, it’s only because we like V-8s, have good weather, proper beaches and surf, things the British Isles are devoid of.

And since we have Frigidaire, not Lucas, refrigerators, we like our beer cold as well.

17 02 2008

When Hell freezes!

17 02 2008

That’s the America I want to live in. But a crapper will remain a crapper. A “loo” is for dorks.

17 02 2008

I like it. You know :))

17 02 2008
Gerald Ford

Too darn funny. I especially liked #8. That really is true though: we as Americans are awfully wound up and relying too much on therapists, lawyers and guns. Sad, sad, sad.

I also find it amusing how some commentators seem to really take offense to this. People here seem to have no sense of humor either.

17 02 2008

Dear John,
Thank you very much for your letter to America, especial for today when we Serbians lost part of our country by overhead of spoil kid what USA is today. This part of Serbia is Kosovo and Kosovo’s unilateral declaration of a false state is the final act of a policy that started with the NATO (USA) aggression against Serbia in 1999, never has the truth about why Serbia was savagely destroyed by NATO (USA) bombs been more clear, NATO (USA)’s military interests lie behind the proclamation of this false state …

17 02 2008

All of these responses, both praise and hatred towards John Cleese are misdirected. He didn’t write this letter. It’s been floating around since the 2000 election attributed to him and others. The original, much shorter letter was written by Alan Baxter, and has surfaced with many permutations since.

You can find out more about this and other urban legends at the wonderful database that is

“The danger to society is not merely that it should believe wrong things, though that is great enough; but that it should become credulous, and lose the habit of testing things and inquiring into them; for then it must sink back into savagery.”
— William Kingdon Clifford

17 02 2008
Wayne A. Schneider

I’m an American who has been a fan of Mr. Cleese for far longer than either of us would prefer to have mentioned publicly. I thought this was a very funny piece. Was it one of Wilde’s, or was it one of Shaw’s?

17 02 2008

Jolly Good.

America would definetly be better off. Government health care and really good chips. And why do we have these frozen pieces of garbage. The real ones are actually cheaper and better for you. Get rid of ketchup and bring back real malt vinegar. We will actually live longer too! We will actually speak english again.

17 02 2008

Almost funny, but definitely FAKE.

Sorry to spoil your laughs.

17 02 2008

Catsup? I think you mean Ketchup.

17 02 2008

This guy is a loquacious moron. I’ve been wondering if that proud attitude is required by their inept monarch sense of government.

17 02 2008

Don’t want to piss in the punch but this probably wasn’t written by John Cleese. They use the “English” system of measure over there, including miles and yards, as we do.

Also, #10, why would he boast about German cars to prove the superiority of England over America? Unlikely he would. There are still English cars. Unlikely he’d brag about them though.

Interesting to see the variety of responses, however.

17 02 2008

IMAO, I found this piece unique, humorous, and a breath of fresh air for literature! I think you would fit in at One Stop Write Shop, a few of the members there Ron B (Sgt B) the $500.00 Grand Prize Winner of our recent Writing Competition is also very humorous, as well as David Lavisher, in fact, David Lavisher and you share much of the same “voice” and style to your writing. Of course he is from Australia, and I don’t know if he would mind me sharing his info on a blog like this but I do think you would definitely be a contribution to our online writing community, FYI we have a writing competition this spring. I think you should seriously consider entering.

Thanks for sharing this.
Great work!

One Stop Write Shop – The Home for Talented Writers. Join today for Free!

17 02 2008

French fries and potato chips are American inventions, we decide what they are called. We speak far better English than the average UK citizen, and we don’t pay $8 for a gallon of gas because we make the rules, not the government. Neither the Queen nor any other person rules over us. Again, we make the rules. Both pronunciations of “Aluminum” are perfectly acceptable. They are regional differences. We like the way we resolve our problems. Guns are much better ways to deal with armed criminals invading your home than the British custom of hiding in the closet until they go away. Might explain why you have such ridiculous crime rates in your country. If you don’t like American Actors, stop buying their movies and basing you entire culture on imitating them. Bottom line, Americans don’t ask anyones permission to do anything – we do whatever the hell we want weather you like it or not. Cheers!

17 02 2008

Jeyharron – Ever have English beer? It’s cheap, watery, and bland. The US, on the other hand, wins more beers in more world wide competitions than any other country.

17 02 2008

Sir Cleese:

I salute in your general direction!

17 02 2008

This is a remarkably funny letter, but the comments are even funnier. It’s hard to believe that there are actually a few whack-jobs out there who find this offensive.

17 02 2008

Mr. Cleese:

I was a big fan of Monty Python re-runs in the 1970s, and also of your individually particular sense of humor. However, I believe your take on the USA comes from watching too much TV, watching way too many Hollywood movies, hanging out too much in LA and New York with celebrities and believing what you watch and hear on the BBC. Funny “Letter,” yes. I was amused. But alas, you really have no clue.

17 02 2008

I can’t believe that so many people are offended, John Cleese is being John Cleese, the article is a tongue in cheek piece of fluff, he is just being mischievous. And I’m astonished that people are taking this as a serious piece of writing, if you don’t have the intellect to come up with a witty response to Mr Cleese then just shut up. I don’t agree with the points made, but hell I smiled, its called having a sense of humor.

17 02 2008

err.. is it only me that noticed that Noel says John Cleese didn’t actually write this ???

17 02 2008
John Cleese’s Letter to America « Green Baggins

[…] 17, 2008 at 1:59 pm (Humor) Pretty funny, even if I don’t agree with […]

17 02 2008

Yes, quite true, The original opprobrium, according to John Paul Sartre that famed French existentialist, was that the early colonies thought they could usurp their executive authority. Sartre said of their descendents (categorically the 19th century) …” were not good enough for the whole of 18th century literature…” [and that] “…this underclass, in the absence of the nobility, saw their opportunity to move up…”

17 02 2008

Do some research before blithely mis-attributing pieces, no matter how funny or on-target:

17 02 2008

cont. through a paradox and logical rationality, they confined themselves to a median road in society which allowed the revolution to continue…

17 02 2008

…it is no longer the goal which is always out of reach, but of which human transcendence is always aiming at…

17 02 2008

The ambiguity of the sign implies that one can penetrate it at will like a pane of glass and pursue the thing signified, or turn his gaze toward its reality and consider it as an object.

17 02 2008

“The English think they are the most loquacious and sophisticated people. I just wonder if such a proud attitude is required by their inept sense of government.”

you wrote this post twice, we heard you the first time.

why would they think they’re loquacious? besides, it’s more of a parliamentary democracy that a constitutional monarchy … inept government? ain’t that the pot calling the kettle black?

17 02 2008

This is nothing new… it was actually published when Gore and Bush were running, shortly after the whole Florida elections debacle…

Those of you that got obviously upset about this letter… LIGHTEN UP!

17 02 2008

…he thinks he has escaped from his milieu and class and from all milieus and all classes and that he has broken through his historical situation by the mere fact that he has attained reflective and critical knowledge…locked up in age by their particular prejudices, he has discovered himself as a timeless and localized mind, in short, the universal man…

17 02 2008

say what you will about monarchy, but it is still the most sophisticated form of government in the world.

17 02 2008
S. Weasel

What’s the provenance of this? I doubt it’s Cleese, because a) it’s not funny and b) Cleese himself has gone through rather a lot of therapy. Though supposedly it made him not funny any more, so maybe a) doesn’t apply.

It’s been my experience that ferriners who sneer at “tetchy Americans” for disliking this sort of cheap hit job, themselves hate it like fuckery when you take the mickey out of their little nationlets and principalities. Try taking a shot at Queen Beatrix, for example, and watch the funny Dutchmen go purple with rage.

17 02 2008

Do the English still restrict a dangling participle? America has completely given this up and major figures on American television end sentences with phrases such as “I want someone to eat cheese with”. When any third grade text book should say this properly as “I want someone with whom to eat cheese.”

17 02 2008

My dear Mr Cleese,

I read your proposal with great interest and I believe Herr Hitler made a similar offer to your nation some 70 years ago which, for reasons unknown to me, was declined.

Unfortunately, the timing of your suggestion is not good. Although the present Queen is fully intent on outliving Prince Charles, thus denying him access to the throne, there remains the possibility she may not succeed. Frankly, the prospect of that goof-ball becoming King is chilling on both sides of the Atlantic. The man is not qualified to be anything more than he already is, a mental patient.

However, I do believe some compromise is possible and you may want to offer a gesture of your own good will: by having just half of your automobiles continue to be driven on the left-hand side of the road, and the other half driven on the right.

17 02 2008

I’m not an American by birth, but I’ve spent half my life here. I’m not a fan of the current administration. Let’s call that a British understatement. But I’m a huge fan of this country and its qualities.
It’s easy to make fun of the idiots in charge at the moment, and many more aspects of the U S of A. But Johnny is simply loading up the cheap shots here, and disappoints with his lack of originality.

17 02 2008
Aaron Bassett

To Kent G we don’t owe you anything. Ok a paltry £866m from WW1, but as we’ve told you before you’ll get that when we get the £2.3bn we’re owed in war debts from the same time.

As for everyone talking about how America saved Britain’s ass in WW2, what aload of rubbish…I’m afraid you’ve been watching too many American war films, where of course you guys are always the heroes.

It’s alot easier to join late, do nothing and then just attempt to twist history at a later date than actually fight. That is of course unless you think the enemy is not as well trained, armed or funded as your own – you seem fine to get stuck in then. A tactic that has worked well for you I see….Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, anyone?

17 02 2008
Gabe Can

Ben Georing. Kansas no one likes. Sorry but all you have given us recently is Fred Phelps and the world would prefer you were to burn that heathen at the stake it is a prerequisite for joining the new U.K.

17 02 2008

Justin, can you hear the sound of people scratching their beards wondering which of the many John commentors you’re referring to?

17 02 2008
Mr Surbade

John Cleese FTW

17 02 2008

ROFL, great stuff 🙂

It seams non Americans find this funny and Americans not so, so they turn to insults.

Just to give Americans another point of view on their “Come to the rescue” mentality:
1. WW1 – It was Europe war for power in colonies, Americans wanted a piece of pie and joined in. You got big piece of pie and rose to superpower.
2. WW2 – after you saw Germany might win you had to protect your investment since you “gave” a lot of money to Europe to build up after WW1(interest rates? what interest rates?)
3. WW2 – You did not defeat Germany but Russians did. You just came in later as “good guys”.
4. Cold war – You created it and sustained it. You are paranoid. Just as with terrorism today.

God save the Queen and John Cleese.

Is there a form of this letter where John reads it? I would like to see and hear him do it. That would be even more hilarious. Just look at his picture at the start :))

BTW Americans, this was actually a joke… nobody would dare take football from you. Our civilians are afraid of your Smart Bombs.

17 02 2008

Brilliantly funny.
I think that you American’s need not take yourselves so seriously. Every country should be self-deprecating to a certain extent and not start defending everything bad said about it. There’s a lot about Britain/being British that is absolutely crap.

And by the way, this is not an insult to Americans!

17 02 2008
Richard - London

Great letter, even better seeing some of the antsy replies unable to stop that knee jerking in reaction. Get over yourselves and realise he’s joking, respect to those who got it.

Now if only us Brit could get a revocation letter on Gordon Brown and set up a new republic led by Stephen Fry Britain truly would be Great again. Imagine, we could all get a free Merrrrrrrhhhh on the NHS if Fry was in charge (for our American cousins that may be unaware, Stephen Fry is a more intelligent and funnier version of Cleese by roughly the power of 1,000,000).

17 02 2008

Well consider what Sartre says, “…most men pass their time in hiding their engagement from themselves….it is enough for them to dim their lanterns, to see the foreground without the background and visa-versa, to see the ends while passing over the means in silence, to refuse solidarity with their kind, to take refuge in the spirit of pompousness, to remove all value from life by considering it from the point of view of someone who is dead, and at the same time, all horror from death by fleeing in the banality of everyday existence, to persuade themselves, if they belong to an oppressing class, that they are escaping their class by the loftiness of their feelings, and, if they belong to the oppressed, to conceal from themselves their complicity with oppression by asserting that one can remain free while in chains if one has a taste for the inner life.”

17 02 2008

…but even Sartre saw hope in that, “it takes a great deal of time to build something up, only a moment to through it down to the ground.” You must appreciate something about Sartre, and that is that the pseudo-politicalization of the existential movement, was just that…a game that he played with his elders.

17 02 2008

The next person who starts their sentance off as ”I for one” should stop trying to sound like Kent Brockman off the Simpsons. We’ve all seen the episode of Homer up in space when the ants get out and float around near the camera and Kent Brockman thinks they are creatures from another planet going to take over the Earth. …”and I for one welcome our new overlords”……….
Why do I know this, I guess I watch too much t.v.

17 02 2008

Oh god, not again… Listen you dumbasses: this letter is just as fake as the one promising you free Nokia-phones. It was fake five years ago ans it is still fake today. Look it up at

17 02 2008
A letter to America - YD Dive Forums & Scuba Community

[…] letter to America Apologies if posted before but I found it amusing. John Cleeses Letter to America Things Are Looking Up __________________ Jonathan have fun, dive […]

17 02 2008

The commenter that wrote…………

“Just to remind you who wouldn’t be around if it wasn’t for us. ”

hehehehe! There is the biggest problem with the USA!!!!!!
That attitude!!!!!!
Very funny indeed!

17 02 2008
Matty G’s Monday Links « the losers

[…] John Cleese’s Open Letter to America – been around before, but still funny […]

17 02 2008

That letter is almost as brilliant as the idiotic replies its getting (I think Sir Cleese wanted to invoke a response) and by trying to desperately refute (look up in dictionary) his argument you are in fact playing into it (see irony)

17 02 2008

this has been going around in emails for god knows how long
long live her majesty

17 02 2008

“American English is inferior to “‘Allo me old china – wot say we pop round the Jack. I’ll stand you a pig and you can rabbit on about your teapots. We can ‘ave some loop and tommy and be off before the dickory hits twelve.”?”

Oh yes, because we all speak like that you ignorant American twat. Britain happens to not just be London, it’s 4 countries: Scotland, England, Ireland and Wales all with completely different accents and with completely different dialects. That sentence you posted is cockney which is spoken in London (and DEFINATELY not spoken like that, too much Oliver Twist for you, sunshine) and London is one city within 4 countries so fucking piss off.

John Cleese is a freaking genious.

17 02 2008

“French fries and potato chips are American inventions, we decide what they are called”

I’m pretty sure quite a few people had fried potatoes and cut them up into thin slices before America was even bloody discovered

“We speak far better English than the average UK citizen, and we don’t pay $8 for a gallon of gas because we make the rules, not the government. Neither the Queen nor any other person rules over us.”

And yet you can’t spell. Do you people have something against “u”s? Seriously…But that’s a lot of rubbish because there are millions more of you than us, in case you didn’t notice, and therefore more of you to speak better.

The Queen doesn’t rule over us either, Gordon Brown does. Get your facts right. And if nobody rules over you and you make the rules (that makes no sense, btw) what’s George Bush doing?

“Guns are much better ways to deal with armed criminals invading your home than the British custom of hiding in the closet until they go away.”

And shooting someone’s a great way to murder! 😀

“Might explain why you have such ridiculous crime rates in your country.”

…What? Do you realise how much gun crime you have?

“Bottom line, Americans don’t ask anyones permission to do anything – we do whatever the hell we want weather you like it or not. Cheers!”

We noticed, and that’s why our language is screwed up (thanks), our culture has gone to pot and the atmosphere is slowly killing all of humankind. Thanks!

God, so many ignorant American comments to reply to and such little time…

17 02 2008

“French fries and potato chips are American inventions, we decide what they are called”

I’m pretty sure quite a few people had fried potatoes and cut them up into thin slices before America was even bloody discovered

“We speak far better English than the average UK citizen, and we don’t pay $8 for a gallon of gas because we make the rules, not the government. Neither the Queen nor any other person rules over us.”

And yet you can’t spell. Do you people have something against “u”s? Seriously…But that’s a lot of rubbish because there are millions more of you than us, in case you didn’t notice, and therefore more of you to speak better.

The Queen doesn’t rule over us either, Gordon Brown does. Get your facts right. And if nobody rules over you and you make the rules (that makes no sense, btw) what’s George Bush doing?

“Guns are much better ways to deal with armed criminals invading your home than the British custom of hiding in the closet until they go away.”

And shooting someone’s a great way to murder! 😀

“Might explain why you have such ridiculous crime rates in your country.”

…What? Do you realise how much gun crime you have?

“Bottom line, Americans don’t ask anyones permission to do anything – we do whatever the hell we want weather you like it or not. Cheers!”

We noticed, and that’s why our language is screwed up (thanks), our culture has gone to pot and the atmosphere is slowly killing all of humankind. Thanks!

God, so many ignorant American comments to reply to and such little time…

17 02 2008
Links for February 16, 2008

[…] John Cleese’s “Letter to America” I think this is best looking from the outside in […]

17 02 2008

Oh, and btw, this was written a long time ago for Monty Python but it’s just been updated.

17 02 2008
I am the Archetect

As it turned out, this letter was not actually written by John Cleese, but alot of people over years. This was the final result.

go here:
If you are still convinced John Cleese wrote this

17 02 2008
17 02 2008
Forgive my english » Blog Archive » John Cleese’s “Letter to America” « Things Are Looking Up…

[…] John Cleese’s “Letter to America” « Things Are Looking Up… […]

17 02 2008

This isn’t really John Cleese, you fuckwitts. Look it up on Snopes.

Of course, that doesn’t mean it isn’t correct. Apologies for the colourful language chaps.

17 02 2008
Nick R

This is to kent G

Re his comment

Lacrosse is ours that would be Canada, first called jeu de la crosse by the French immigrants and played by the natives in Ontario who taught it to the Europeans in Canada, in 1844 Montreal’s Olympic Club organized one of the first European teams to play against the natives, O by the way Canada is that great country north of you that will never become a state within the US of A, we would join Argentina first (sorry that’s in south America), we are a country where people know what is beyond our boundaries and travel and understand what being different means, we have passports.

Cheers mate.
Keep up the good work John.

17 02 2008

This is a spoof. John Cleese didn’t write it. He lives in Santa Barbara, California, by the way.


17 02 2008
Arthur Sido

“As for everyone talking about how America saved Britain’s ass in WW2, what aload of rubbish…I’m afraid you’ve been watching too many American war films, where of course you guys are always the heroes.”Ah Aaron, quite true. The nightly bombings of London, all an American propaganda ploy. The humiliation at Dunkirk, more of the same. Why you Brits had Hitler right where you wanted him, and despite the incompetence of the American forces, you still managed to whip the Germans. Three cheers for Great Britain!

“It’s alot easier to join late, do nothing and then just attempt to twist history at a later date than actually fight. ” Actually fight? By cowering on your little island perhaps? I guess all those American graves on European soil were from our boys who died of boredom watching the British do all the fighting.

Your lack of gratitude is more befitting a Frenchmen. At least this post by Cleese, or someone claiming to be him, is tongue in cheek and somewhat amusing but your historic revisionism is frankly revolting.

17 02 2008
links for 2008-02-18 « Mandarine

[…] John Cleese’s “Letter to America” Dear Citizens of America, In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (tags: humor history uk fun politics) […]

17 02 2008

Read the His and” Hers” story book of history please?
Remember Nero and his story? 😉 and Ancient Rome that ruled the “world” a long time ago?
History can happen again?
Am I wrong?
Life is good on our rock in the greater scheme of things, keep it that way.

Who didn’t clean up their mess?
Get on with it!!!!!!!

17 02 2008

clever, but, cleese did not write this, in case it hasn’t been mentioned:

18 02 2008
links for 2008-02-18 « Richard@Home

[…] John Cleese’s “Letter to America” « Things Are Looking Up… Very funny (tags: humor america politics johncleese) […]

18 02 2008

I would prefer it if my former statement…………

hehehehe! There is the biggest problem with the USA!!!!!!

Could be re -interpreted as………………….

hehehehe! There is the biggest problem with the “World” today maybe?

we breathe the same air after all?

18 02 2008
Random Silliness And Fun « Cedric’s Blog-O-Rama!

[…] John Cleese’s “Letter To America” […]

18 02 2008
18 02 2008

can u b our new prezidents?

18 02 2008
Terry Wogan

I sincerely hope no-one actually believes this was written by John Cleese.

18 02 2008

This letter thing is pretty old and I’m not 100% sure if it was actually done by John Cleese (although when I first read it years ago I had his voice in mind).

This was done around the time of the crazy election that saw Bush raise to power over the “hanging chad” issue of Florida.

still like to read it for a laugh though.

18 02 2008
John Cleese’s Letter to America | Jonathan

[…] Only half joking… […]

18 02 2008
John Cleese’s “Letter to America” at

[…] John Cleese’s “Letter to America” « Things Are Looking Up… […]

18 02 2008
J.S. Cavani

#8 and #18 are indeed very funny. I agree with them though. Sometimes I wonder if the Fall of American Civilization will occur in our lifetime, for we can clearly see the symptoms of it and no civilization lasts forever. Since I can’t predict the future, I will let History tell the rest of the story.

By the way, by reading some of the comments, one can clearly infer that the word “democracy” or “democratic” is sometimes used as a magical word. It carries a very dogmatic connotation with it. Not all dogmas are bad, but the dogma that “democracy is the ultimate form of government” is certainly a flawed one. One can clearly say that democracy in the way it is understood today, provides its own means to be demised.

Concluding, as far as government structure is concerned, no country in the world has a truly democratic form of government. All that we have is an oligarchy that manifests itself through many names (one of them being democracy). And I do believe that it should continue being so. The power should rest in the hands of more than one but less than everybody.

18 02 2008
Croatia Nidol

Two thumbs up, John! Love you and Pythons for more than 30 years, now.

Dear “citizenwells”. I notice you have mastered “Past Tense” already.
Now, try to use words “American” and “guns” in “Present Tense”.

You would be surprised how good you are.

18 02 2008

Bunch of clowns. This is fake:

If only he had penned this…

18 02 2008

Yeah! Whatever John Cleese writes, says or directs and wherever he acts is a true classic in my book! Thank you for sharing this, it is wonderful!

18 02 2008

Too good!

18 02 2008
Letter to America « In through the Out door

[…] February 18, 2008 Letter to America Posted by Aditya under Lame attempts at humour, Uncategorized   John Cleese at his best! […]

18 02 2008

If we are to let the Royal Majesty have her way. We do require one thing; the loyal citizens of Britain Must brush their teeth or have a better dental plan as their universal health care/dental plan is just not working… Get some Tic Tac’s!!!

18 02 2008

Just as I suspected, the British have the real English language locked in a vault somewhere in Britain…now that English Scientists have leaked to the public the discovery a vast void in space, I suspect they will release the true English language.

18 02 2008

Sartre goes on to say…”the psychology of the seventeenth century is purely descriptive. It is not based upon the authors personal experience as much as what the elite should like to think about itself”…

18 02 2008

When referring to the times ancient of Roman empire, remember, everyone wanted to be part of the Roman Empire…they were brilliant administrators, architects, builders of roads and engineers…and under the rule of Augustus there was the famed Pax Romana, two hundred years of peace through out the empire…

18 02 2008

A vast empire to large in the end to govern itself…and the Pax Romana ended because there were no new taxes coming in…Unlike 15th century Spain which bankrupted itself because it became too rich…

18 02 2008

Satre cont.’s “…society is thoroughly delighted at seeing itself mirrored in them because it recognizes the notions it has about itself…it does not ask for a reflection of what it is, but rather what it thinks it is.”

18 02 2008

Not written by Cleese. Although, John Cleese rules!

18 02 2008
Jack Scurvy

John Cleese gets fake crap like this pinned on him nearly as much as George Carlin.

And, I’d be willing to bet more German cars are sold here than in the UK, too. We just don’t pay as much for them… or for gas, come to think of it.

And, despite the fact that an Englishman created the word soccer, I do believe that sport should be called football. Call the NFL American football, but the game played in England is the only proper football. One only needs watch a few Arsenal matches to see that.

18 02 2008

Funny, but a few glaring problems with his commentary:

1.) While the US apparent inability to pronounce “aluminium” seems to be a problem the absolute hacking the British do to “burgh” (burra?) seems to be acceptable. We need more clarification on when it is considered alright to abuse vowels.

2.) “Potato Chips” were invented here in the US and so, as far as I can tell, the term “crisps” seems to be the result of British stubbornness and unwillingness to accept terminology from other cultures. Perhaps the British prefer to name their foodstuffs by describing their texture rather than their appearance. If this is the case, then henceforth, I shall refer to British beef as “chewy” and their vegetables as “soggy” or “wilted”.

3.) Concerning the new vocabulary word “revocation” and the issue of back taxes: I fully expect that London will immediately be returned to the state of decay it enjoyed prior to the D-Day invasion. The payment for all US troops used for that battle will be repayed to the US accounting for inflation of course. All materials used for rebuilding England will, or course, be shipped back to US shores without delay.

In the spirit of understanding I will, as soon as I finish writing, head out to my orthodontist to inquire about getting braces retrofitted; such that my teeth might reflect the gaps and jutting angles so relished in English society.

God save the Queen….

18 02 2008

There’s more crime in Britain then America;

Brits are even more taxed than Americans;

Petrol, aka fuel, is mostly tax;

America has King George – may soon be replaced by Queen Hilary.

18 02 2008
Chris Shilly

Ahhhhh yes. Britain. Still insignificant, after all these years. Might want to deal with your immigration problem and quit worrying about the U.S.

18 02 2008

Dear Mr. Cleese,

Thank you for your interest in the reacquisition of former colonies. I’m sure that terms can be worked out for mutual betterment. Before we proceed, however, let me state that we do not drink tea, and have no intention for paying a tax on such.

Also, with regard to the alleged superiority of your own system of government, please refer to the BBC treatise on the subject entitled “Yes, Minister”. An excellent body of work.

Once you have the issues above worked out, we can proceed with the discussions of reacquisition.

18 02 2008
Derek Winter

To Chompopatamus and others citing how Britain was “saved” by the US in ww2. The reality is USA refused requests by Churchill for help! your president kept promising but never did anything except provide some equipment eventually. It was only after Germany declared war against the US that they came into the war. By then there was no Nazi airforce left after we had stood alone. Naturally you yanks as always love to claim the glory. In reality the wars USA have initiated and fought themselves are losers,and in the case of Vietnam humiliations.

18 02 2008

citizenwells, yes Americans did help save Europe from Nazi tyrany. A lot! But I am fed up with the general American opinion on how good, helpful and full of solidarity you are.

Unfortunatelly, there are two very important facts that need to be mentioned and that prove Americans always look at things through money, always have, (hopefully not) always will:

1. America got involved with those guns of yours only after Pearl Harbor and after Hitler’s declaration of war. Without these two events America would not have involved itself militarily due to its isolationistic policy of the time, and

2. America did not do it for free! America got rich through WWII.

America is a mighty country. Unfortunately you keep showing it off to everybody and forcing your “democracy” on anyone you you feel you can milk, behaving like the cowboys of the world. Without this everyone would have loved America but like this… the way America is at the moment… you are the dickheads of the world.

18 02 2008
Derek Winter

What is this Frodo guy on about?

18 02 2008
18 02 2008
|| revo ||

While I am a rabid John Cleese fan, I must point out
this bit of information regarding the above letter.

God save the Queen.

18 02 2008 » Blog Archive » John Cleese’s Open Letter to America

[…] John Cleese’s “Letter to America” […]

18 02 2008

Thoroughly delightful. Whether Cleese wrote it or not.

18 02 2008

Quite funny, now maybe he can move here after English with U’s and all has been replaced with arabic in his native land.

18 02 2008
Well I Guess that’s the End of Presidents Day « Christopher Colaninno

[…] I hadn’t seen it before today and it’s pretty funny. Below John’s Cleese’s letter to United States of America revoking American Independence. In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby […]

18 02 2008

About bloody time.

I was plum out of health care, anyway.


P.S. Call me for tea, would you, dear? I’ll be taking a bit of a lie down.

There’s a love.

18 02 2008


18 02 2008
{CB}Marsupial Vomit

18 02 2008

Welcome to Canada’s new southern province . Except for Hawaii, which will be incorporated into New Zealand. 😉

18 02 2008
Monkey Man

Typical Americans, thinking they won WWII. Hitler knew he lost the war in 1943 at Kursk on the eastern front, long before Normandy 1944.

18 02 2008
Brother Monk


Good DAY Sir!

18 02 2008
Josh Brisby

Mr. Cleese,

You were great in Fawlty Towers. We Americans could learn to be a little more confrontational. The funny thing is, most of what you say here is true of us. But you still won’t get one cent or even one “pence” of your tax money . . .


18 02 2008
it’s about time» Blog Archive » links for 2008-02-18

[…] John Cleese’s “Letter to America” « Things Are Looking Up… This is MAGNIFICENT:) (tags: humor funny politics america letter uk media johncleese comedy commentary article archive) […]

18 02 2008
Scrisoare deschisa catre americani | Cireshu's

[…] John Cleese’s “Letter to America” […]

18 02 2008

I hope americans are inteligent enought to read/understaind all this
thank you for this letter, it was about time !!

18 02 2008
Emo As Fuck

[…] 18, 2008 · Filed under Uncategorized A letter to America, from John Cleese: In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to […]

18 02 2008

I notice there’s no mention of dentistry or the national health. Something along the lines of: All new british subjects in the american colonies will stop going to the dentist, refrain from cosmetic dentistry and get over smiling in public.

18 02 2008
Trembly Tottingbottom-Smythe

I love America and have visited many times.
It is true that everybody there has wonderfully white teeth.
If us Brits could get whiter teeth then all our problems would be solved and the Yanks could stop worrying about our railings. The British dental condition obviously causes much loss of sleep over there as it has been mentioned so many times in the replies.

We’ll all get our gnashers fixed if you provide proper healthcare for your poor.
Happy now?

18 02 2008

ok some fantastic comments but can i do another short letter from a real Brit as JC has been closer to you guys for the last 20 years (about the same time he has ceased to be funny):

– sit coms. we accept you guys produce the most consistently sharp and funny sitcoms which put our usual lame stuff to shame. and yet, just occasionally, we produce stuff of real genius which is incomparable – the Office, Extras, MPFC etc.

– sport. we can see the beauty in a fantastically compelling and tense draw (even after 5 days of a cricket match) and appreciate it for its own sake. it’s just win and lose to you guys – that’s ok but lacks a certain subtlety.

– scenery. you have it all: the Canyons, deserts, searing mountains, prairies, forests of indescribable scale and beauty etc. we have rolling hillsides like the Yorkshire Dales and village greens. and yet we seem to connect with the countryside more.

– you gave us the great american song book, we gave you the beatles, stones led zep, oasis etc. Shall we call that a draw?

– politics. you gave the world george bush. unforgiveable.

– war. you claim credit but i think you’re actually crap at it and those you’ve won were done by overwhelming odds.sorry (and thank you!)

– we gave you simon cowell. apologies.

– you gave the world the original Guggenheim gallery, the Golden gate bridge and the Chrysler building. just beautiful. we have stuff too but….

– we haven’t a film to compare realistically with the Godfather I or II

– irony and natural reserve (ie reluctance to open up easily, not the State parks). i know it’s a cliche but you’re crap at both.

– roads. ditto

– footie. the sooner you get it the quicker we can move on.

– oxford/cambridge v harvard/yale. another draw?

– you gave the world the burger, hotdog, pizza (?), pretzel, salted peanut. we gave you HP sauce, sausage and mash, fish and chips, branston pickle, yorkshire puddings. let’s give this one to italy eh?

– you have excellent theme parks but rubbish medieaval castles and we have the reverse.

– big ferocious animals. we just have millwall fans…

– climate. d’oh! you win

– we’ve got the SAS; you have er…

– you have the superbowl; we have crown green bowling

– we can understand everyone of your accents and you don’t even grasp the Queen’s English

– we cover world news in our press and tv and other media and you don’t.

– we teach world geography in schools and …..

– we go the US on holiday and you come to the UK (a bit)

I think that’s advantage tim henman but i’d be happy to accept an honourable deuce?

18 02 2008

What a funny bugger!

18 02 2008

Okay, people. Look up “aluminum.”

The name of the element is actually spelled “aluminum,” not “aluminium!” And the entry in my dictionary for “aluminium” says: “chiefly British,” but does not refer at all to either the element or the products made therefrom. In contrast, however, the entry for “aluminum” does refer to both the element and the products made therefrom.

Huh. Looks like there are a few more people who need to look something up before they comment.

18 02 2008
John Cleese’s “Letter to America” « Things Are Looking Up… « The other side of the firewall

[…] February 18, 2008 at 8:19 pm · Filed under Jokes and Humor John Cleese’s “Letter to America” « Things Are Looking Up… […]

18 02 2008

couldn’t hurt

18 02 2008

It’s all Florida’s fault. Take them!!!

18 02 2008

Ahhh, ‘citizenwells’ congratulations for displaying total ineptness in your interpretations of the aforementioned conflicts…

Firstly in your ‘American Revolution, the British were winning until (and this is the bit you American’s love to forget) the FRENCH came to your aid and won the war for you. I’m not too sure you ever said thank you to them? Secondly, there was never any ‘Nazi tyranny’ on British soil. The German forces never made it across the English Channel… ‘Shock horror’!

‘Any questions?’ you ask! Well quite a few old chap but you have already shown us that ‘correct answers’ from you are as likely as an American discovering the second ‘i’ in Aluminium!!!

Good day to you!

18 02 2008

And yes, of course I used an American dictionary.

And not like many of you actually care, but here’s Wiki’s explanation:

“By 1812, Davy had settled on aluminum, which, as other sources note, matches its Latin root. He wrote in the journal Chemical Philosophy: ‘As yet Aluminum has not been obtained in a perfectly free state.”[23] But the same year, an anonymous contributor to the Quarterly Review, a British political-literary journal, objected to aluminum and proposed the name aluminium, ‘for so we shall take the liberty of writing the word, in preference to aluminum, which has a less classical sound.'[24]

The -ium suffix had the advantage of conforming to the precedent set in other newly discovered elements of the time: potassium, sodium, magnesium, calcium, and strontium (all of which Davy had isolated himself). Nevertheless, -um spellings for elements were not unknown at the time, as for example platinum, known to Europeans since the sixteenth century, molybdenum, discovered in 1778, and tantalum, discovered in 1802.”

18 02 2008
William Gibson

Sorry, John. Way too old. You originally wrote this back in the mid-1970s. If you must continue to rip the U.S., then please, at least come up with something original.

And to the twit who will attempt to assert that #16 is “new” (i.e., Andie MacDowell was not an actress in the mid-1970s), I’ll go find the original writing and find out who the other annoying actress was.

18 02 2008
Larry Thelen

Actually, it was a formal American commission that changed the spelling of a variety of words in the name of efficiency, hence the removal of unnecessary “u” in colour, etc. And of what use are the letters “ough” when just “o” will do. Beginning to see why America streaked ahead. “Ize” is not just a respelling; it is turning a noun into a verb. Fast action crowd we are in the west.

And it is burgs we have here, not burras; we abandoned them in the 19th century.

As for using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. He’s right. Kudos!!

If I were you, I probably would not bother to read this, but, for my own therapy, I reply thusly:

As for “US English” as distinguished from “English”, of course it exists. That is actually the great thing about English. It is the most elastic language ever invented. And hooray for Microsoft and computers in general, because they maximize options and minimize stickiness among languages.

No need to learn our original national anthem because it is doubly unconstitutional. No state religion, no monarchs.

Since the Declaration of Independence was adopted by voice vote of the Continental Congress on July 2nd, not July 4th, we’ve been celebrating the wrong day anyway. And why is it that an Englishman is proposing that they celebrate on a day so closely aligned to the Catholic All Saints Day.

Score #1: He would have us learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. He’s RIGHT.

Score #2: He would ban all American cars. Where has he been? We’ve stopped buying those long ago. Does he not know that the #1 car sold her is the Toyota and that GM is going bankrupt.

Score #3: Intersections replaced with roundabouts? Sure. That would mean a near end to long waits at intersections wouldn’t it?

As for driving on the left, he’s wrong; we’re right. It is England, Japan, Australia, New Zealand and India that should change, not the rest of us. Why? Because every gallant man wants his lady on his right so that he can wrap his dominant arm around her. Only the English would value the women so little they would push her to the left. But one thing for sure. They ought to be uniform. One side or the other should change.

Score # 4: Go metric immediately, he exhorts. He’s absolutely, 100% right. Further, America had already gone metric until the election of 1994. That is, we were near the end of a 20 year progress of conversion. State highway engineers had already shifted to designing highways and bridges in metric. Then, enter Newt Gingrich and his medieval America-first forces and the whole effort is shut down. What a waste!!!

Regarding the cost of motor vehicle fuel, that is a local call, and should remain so. The price is the same worldwide. What makes it vary from nation to nation is the taxes on it. A crowded country like England chooses to impose high taxes to make people think twice before driving. A wide open country like rural America thinks otherwise. Hey, let the price be tailored to the need.

As for chips, I have a better idea. Let’s voluntarily and uniformly recognize them for the super-caloric fat providers they are and stop eating them in both countries.

Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers? Here we train them to be patronizing. Isn’t that better preparation for life in a capitilistic world?

Score # 5: The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. True Again!!!

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. It seems to me it’s quite the opposite. Time and again when I see an outstanding performance, I’m told the guy/gal is British.

Cease football!!! Now he’s gone too far. OK, so it is soccer that is entitled to the generic “football”, and we should re-define ours as “American football”, (remember American English?), but enough is enough. He takes away our American football and 200 years later, it’s the Revolutionary War of 2012.

Score # 6: And of course he’s right that we shouldn’t call it the “World Series” when the only contender outside America is one team from Canada. Solution: one of the U.S. teams, say the Chicago Cubs, should move to Tokyo. All other countries are welcome to join too, of course, but so far, no interest.

As for the 2.1% of us who are even aware that there is a world beyond our borders, was it only that 2.1% that twice saved France and England from German oppression? Or from the threat of communism for 50 years?

As for who killed JFK, the downside of a totally free press is a plethora of gibberish about any subject of general interest. Try to cut through the bull, won’t you, and go directly for the well documented authentic report.

Finally, regarding that IRS agent, I thought he was finally going to get off his can and collect on the massive, massive debt you owe America for the lend-leasing and outright gifts of WWII.

So he gets 6 out of 20. Not bad. If I were him, I would migrate to America.

18 02 2008

Good stuff, about time the Sceptics realised that they owe their entire idealsitic perception of freedom to a small frenchie called Napoleon. If it werent for him bankrolling these jumped up-upstarts in the 1700’s and trying to take over the world at the same time, its likely this kerffufle would not need to happen, indeed the only annoying people left on the continent would be those resilent bunch of frenchies who live in Montreal. Lucky for them over the pond, that we stuffed old boney otherwise, like everything else french, they too would have been overrun by the germans in WWII leaving up to us to sort out the worlds problems yet again; who knows if that happend would Wilheim Gates be the richest Direktor in die Weld.

18 02 2008

I can’t believe this is still around; this originated around the 2001 election controversy (with the opening lines to the affect of “due to your inability to elect a President”) and was NOT written by John Cleese (though it is wonderfully humorous).

18 02 2008

Just to recap:
1) John Cleese did not write this “letter” and there is a whole website page devoted to the history of this piece.
2) don’t take it too seriously … it’s a joke in the time-honoured tradition of similar cultures having a dig at each other. We all know that you can shoot holes all through it and that there are plenty of versions in reverse. Let’s face it, every country has a lot of stuff that looks dumb to others, or even if it makes sense it can still be made to look dumb if it suits your purposes (eg humour).
3) arguing about national pronunciation differences really IS dumb. There are authentic historical reasons for these differences and I guarantee they are much more interesting than half-baked arguments about aluminium and Edinburgh.
4) it’s a joke.

19 02 2008

John Cleece did NOT write this.

It’s been wrongly attributed to him.


19 02 2008

Cleese, that is to say.

19 02 2008
Non Serviam! » Link dneva

[…] Pismo Johna Cleesea Ameriki!   […]

19 02 2008
Stan kowalski

We deside a selfs if we wanna be brits
Thats nonna jah binniz
ya know watta mean, ya know what im say’n
We speak proppa american

19 02 2008
Open brief at

[…]  Open brief van John Cleese aan de VS […]

19 02 2008
Open brief at

[…] Open brief van John Cleese aan de VS: Dear Citizens of America, […]

19 02 2008


In the UK and other countries using British spelling, only aluminium is used. In the United States, the spelling aluminium is largely unknown, and the spelling aluminum predominates.[26][27] The Canadian Oxford Dictionary prefers aluminum, whereas the Australian Macquarie Dictionary prefers aluminium.

The spelling in virtually all other languages is analogous to the -ium ending.

America is right ‘virtually all other languages’ are wrong!

Well done America… The No.1 hated country on the planet!

16 11 2009

we dont hate america, the country is fine, its just the toss pots who live there that spoil the country, hence why all brits look down on americans and laugh at them for their constant stupidity lol

19 02 2008

Can’t… stop… laughing…

can’t… stop…

19 02 2008
John Cleese’s “Letter to America” « Formula-1 & Stuff

[…] Letter To America […]

19 02 2008

dear citizenwells, talking about learning history, the US never drove the nazis of the british soil, since Britain never where occopied.

19 02 2008
Angry Chinese Driver

This is old, but it cracks me up every time. The #18 JFK one is my favourite!

19 02 2008

Don’t complain about our “US English”. If it weren’t for us you would be speaking German right now!

19 02 2008
Dan Hopkins

I live in the US now, sorry should i say NYC, a different world to the rest of the place. However, i must express great love for the US of A.
However. I do feel it would be much better off is it cam back into the commonwealth. You know you love us really, and Queen Lizzie would be happy to forgive you for previous bad behaviour 😉

On a serious point though, can i just asnswer the call to all these people saying the UK should be thankful for your action in WW1, WW2, Indeed you did save our asses in these particular disputes, and let us not forget what a tradgedy they were. BUT
Your motivation was hardly altrustic! i do believe we have paid you in full for this halp you gave and also had to give up a large quantity of millitairy and tecghnological secrets, which you appear to have built your great nation on 😉

In conclusion, god save our gracious Queen, and God Bless America.

19 02 2008
b lowhard

So, we get to hear how bad, and elitist, the USA is – only to learn that the British are actually better. My sincerest apologies to John Cleese, in that someone has attached his name to this piece. I get the joke, and, sadly, many of my compatriots have no concept of anything beyond our borders.

To the original author: well done!

I wanted to call this a piece of oxymoronic drivel, but my american vocabulary apparently prohibits my use of words longer than two syllables.

By the way, with all of our problems, there is no other place I would rather live. For the most we are welcoming of strangers – and not nearly as xenophobic as some would believe.

19 02 2008
Check the facts

It is quite funny, but not by John Cleese. Check out snopes here:

19 02 2008
Peter Knapp

To the more literal responses above – you’re only making Cleese’s joke funnier by actually taking it seriously. Just understand that while it’s an ironic swipe at the US, it’s also a self-depreciating joke about the Brits and their secret belief they could do a better job than the US if they were ‘in charge’. This pre-war upper class mindset has always been his target since Monty Python – think ‘ministry of funny walks’ etc. etc.

19 02 2008
Peter Knapp

PS Funnier still – it’s not by him and was written as a chain email and has been circulating for years…

19 02 2008
rick hamelin

Not only did an American invent it, but he named it ‘aluminum’. Please review Otto’s comments regarding the British in the film “A fish Called Wanda” for a good beginning to our response.

19 02 2008
James O'Sullivan

And all Americans will- by Royal edict – required to discard their optimistism and belief in “anything is possible”, and mercifully we will have little choice but to import “incessant rain” machines from that blighted ( or is it Blighty} land

19 02 2008
Jack Scurvy

Thank you, Peter. The nail has finally been hit right on the head. Getting smug people to act even more so is just the sort of thing this type of joke is best at. Divisive, isn’t it? No. Only amongst the short-sighted.

20 02 2008

citizenwells (12:01:29) :

[quote] Dear John Cleese.
You are quite talented as a comedian and are one of my favorites.
Obviously, you are not a historian.
Our guns were used in the American Revolution to remove British Tyranny
from our soil and Nazi Tyranny from your soil in WW II.
Any questions?
Best regards from a british descendant. [quote end]

there were no nazis in great brittain to be removed…..
so much for yankee history knowledge.

20 02 2008

citizenwells, Sorry to rain on your parade young man, but the U.S. never removed the Nazis’ from british soil. The Nazis’ took the channel Isles, and surrendered without a shot shortly after D-Day. p.s. thanks for your help on that one, even if you were a few years late! :^)

P.P.S. the price of petrol (Gas) has risen sorry guys and gals.

20 02 2008

oh crap i forgot the John Cleese saying from Fawlty Towers…..”Don’t mention the War!”

21 02 2008

Rick, Aluminium was not invented, it is a natural element.

21 02 2008

orgazmo would have dropped Utah instead of Kansas, but anyway! Please invade India and Pakistan again. These countries need politicians with a sense of humour. While you are at it, I hope that you dont get your frigging victorian prudery along.

Adios amigos!

21 02 2008
"Dear Citizens of America...." - AFboard

[…] Citizens of America…." Did a search and didn’t see this posted: John Cleese’s “Letter to America” Things Are Looking Up… By…John Cleese Dear Citizens of America, In view of your failure to elect a competent […]

22 02 2008
John Cleese’s “Letter To America”

[…] John Cleese’s “Letter To America” […]

22 02 2008

hah! i love #17

22 02 2008

Oh let’s stop all this infighting. The Americans cannot be blamed for anything. They are a Nation, speaking English with a rudimentary Irish accent, but not a Race as most of the rest of the world is. Americans (with the exception of so-called Native Americans) are a mixture of immigrants from all over the world. An overwhelming number of Americans don’t even know what their pedigree is. Most of us in the rest of the world can trace our ancestors back for a thousand or more years in the same country as we are living now. The Americans, poor souls, are all descended from people who were unpatriotic enough to leave their own country. It must be very unsettling for them. They can’t even be blamed for mass murder in Hiroshima, Nagasaki or for napalming hundreds of thousands of women and children in Vietnam. They were only obeying orders and are, in any case, only a distillation of all us peoples from the rest of the world.

22 02 2008

Oh let’s stop all this in-fighting. Americans are not a race they are a distillation of immigrants from all over the rest of the world. They are a distillation of all of us. They speak English with an Irish accent and desperately try to make it their own language by spelling travelling with one “l”. Their faults are a distillation of all our faults. Their sins are a distillation of all our sins. Leave them with their delusions of grandeur. It’s going to be very short-lived. We might, one day, when we are ruled by the Chinese of the Indians, be very nostalgic of the child-like innocence of the Americans. (Many apologies, of course, to the real Americans, disenfranchised and robbed of their lands, living in reservations or absorbed into the great melting pot.)

22 02 2008 :: fire walk with me

[…] John Cleese puts down the law!!!! […]

22 02 2008

I’m really happy that I live in Kansas!

22 02 2008

Oh why can’t the English teach their children how to speak? Norwegians learn Norwegian the Greeks are taught their Greek.

22 02 2008
Ben Russo

Hilarious! I guess that if apes could speak they might say that humans were all uppity about walking around on two legs and wearing clothes and all.

It’s OK, I take no offense. I’ve been to London a few times and to Sheffield once, so I can understand why many of you are so bitter and jealous. 🙂

-Ben Russo, (U.S. Citizen)

22 02 2008
Steve D

Meh. It’s all like, you know, whatever. Funny though

22 02 2008
Michael Woodcock

Dear Mr. Cleese,

We citizens of the U.S. (myself included) will submit to your aforementioned stipulations when the British people admit they can fit the entirety of the Americas between Prince Charles’ upper and lower teeth, leaving just enough room for his son’s head.
Give the Crown Prince our best, and no harm done.


once and (possibly) future British subject,

Michael Woodcock

22 02 2008

“……you say tomato I say tomato…”

23 02 2008
The metal thing holding the leaves of my mind together › Bookmarks for February 2nd through February 21st

[…] John Cleese?s ?Letter to America? – "Dear Citizens of America, In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately." […]

23 02 2008

Uh huh… competent… hmmm… like Tony Blair? Pet poodle to the moron we elected? Grand advice Cleese. Thanks a bunch. No, sincerely. Wow, wish we were British … Thatcher… sorry Turrets… Chavs… Yobs… I mean… gosh really nice advice… soccer thugs… I mean … wish we were sofistercatered like youz.

23 02 2008

I seriously doubt that this was written by the legendary Cleese, but its still hilarious.

24 02 2008

Dear Mr. Cleese:

I am in receipt of your proclamation with which I am in general agreement. Some of the strictures may sound a tad harsh, but they will, in the long run, be highly beneficial to the provinces.

There are two points, however, about which I have serious concerns. 1) While I do very much sympathize with Her Magesty’s antipathy to Kansas (it being one of those places which is neither here nor there in regard to much of anything), the fact remains that should said State be excluded from the proposed improvements, there is a strong liklihood that the geographical position of said state, if left to its own devises (sic), may cause a wave of discontent, and perhaps even, (if you will permit a small pun) a “revolution,” which could possibly seep into the surrounding areas. Certain states bordering Kansas have notable attractions.

Idaho, for instsance has splendid skiing facilities, and it is my understanding that the Princes are fond of the sport. North Dakota…or is it South Dakota…well, no matter – the Dakota s have some very great sculptures their favor. It is my own personal opinion that Good Queen Bess should have been included long ago, but perhaps now…? And then there is Louisiana. Surely Louisiana has suffered enough at the hands of the government you wish to replace. Unrest in Kansas could spill over the border into New Orleans, adding grave insult to idreadful njury — which, unfortunately, could be traced back to Her Majesty.

If it is truly necessary to remove one of the states, Her Majesty might give some thought to Texas. They have nearly seceded several times before, and I for one should find it no great loss. (The opportune time to accomplish this, however, would be AFTER the present Commander-inChief has returned to his ranch.)

2) My second concern is the issue regarding automobiles. I am not fond of American cars myself, but I have a problem with those made in Germany. Or rather, the fact that the car was made in Germany. I am, in fact, surprised that this opinion is not shared by all of Britain.

If I can do anything to resolve these issues, or assist with the transition, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yr humble Servant,

Anglo Phile (Ms)

24 02 2008
dr demo



25 02 2008


25 02 2008
Jack Green

This has nothing to do with John Cleese. Check out Snopes.

25 02 2008
26 02 2008

Yes your guns were/are used A LOT. Also the tyranny of the native americans who were just bullying you guys without any reason.
The guns also came in handy when all those nasty mexicans tried to cross the southern border looking for a better life.
I wonder if guns are used in Guantanamo.
Compton in LA just wouldn’t be the same without guns.
Waco texas, you know i’m not even going to give all the examples, waste of time.
Just go to google and type in USA gun incidents. All those high school kid murderers.
Yes the USA and guns. Nice.

26 02 2008
Boys Wear Pants Dot Com : Let’s Execute the Oscars: “Your Priorities are Bullshit, America!”

[…]  John Cleese’s Letter to America (hiliarious!) […]

27 02 2008
marky boy

Citizenwells, Americans didnot remove the nazi regime from our soil. The nazi regime was held back from our soil by ourselves. Your belated entrance to WWII was a result of an attack on your own soil. Before challenging someone on their history knowledge, read up on it yourself!

27 02 2008

This is the greatest idea I have ever heard. Please John, make this happen before it’s too late!!

28 02 2008

Wow. Irony really is an advanced concept for some people isn’t it. Perhaps the teaching of this exceptionally difficult technique to all American citizens should have been included in the above list.

28 02 2008

Re: Ben Russo ‘I’ve been to London a few times and to Sheffield once, so I can understand why many of you are so bitter and jealous.’

Insult London all you like but know that by insulting Sheffield you have insulted Yorkshiremen who are much more likely to track you down and force you to drink Stones Bitter until you drown. No irony in this case I’m afraid.

28 02 2008
v-cant drive 55

FUNNY! Love it.
I am all for driving on the left…the lanes on that side are in better shape than the ones on the right. So when I am going to work I can drive on the left side of the highway…and coming home I can drive in the left lane of the right side of the highway. What versatility! I love it.

This is a joke people…get a grip as we Americans say…life is too short to get pissed off over something perceived as an insult when it was just humour. (notice the extra u in the word)

As for “English slang” my favorites are referring to a woman or girl as a “cow”
A male friend as a “bloke” and everyone of any kind of endearment as “luv”

We could alllllll as Americans use a break from these idiots who are supposedly running our country and for heavens sakes the humour in the British Parliament sessions are joyous if you ever bother to watch them on the BBC or CBC. Beats the hell out of our congress and senate members grilling a baseball player on whether or not he drugged himself in his own home at his own expense, at his own decision making capability, and our congress and senate members think this is a “serious problem” that entails spending the taxpayers money for an inquiry! Who cares if he lied and did it…

As for the “top modes of governmental influence” in America…I want my damned tax money back. We elected Bill Clinton knowing full well that he could not keep his zipper up prior to the situation…we watched as our government spent 4, yes, FOUR MILLION dollars investigating and tryin to find something to impeach the man for and came up with nothing more than a friend of his who once worked for him and his wife who committed suicide thus no investigational consequences…and the ultimate fact that the man we elected proved to us all YET AGAIN that he couldn’t keep his zipper up. I want my FOUR MILLION DOLLARS BACK!

I don’t give a crap…if that baseball player shot himself up with steroids or not!!! I don’t think it is worthy of spending American tax dollars to investigate him to see if he did or did not do it, or if he lied about it one way or the other. STOP WASTEING MY TAX DOLLARS>

As for driving round abouts…they suck…are extremely dangerous….and prove nothing more than a way to frustrate people beyond belief, raise anxiety levels in human beings, and cause more accidents than is already the case in the area of Detroit Michigan where I live.

As for taking on the system here…come on…take it on…and rid us of the idiots in charge at this time in Detroit that embarrass me and all other people who live in MIchigan because they abuse the monitary system, can’t keep their zipper shut, are too stupid to step down voluntarily, and create “National News” with the most idiotic senarios involving sex, lies, video tapes, text messages, and abuse of power and absolute distrust to the people they were elected to represent who are homeless, struggling, hungry, and living in boxes in the freezing cold.

As for the National status of our leaders…fire the bums! THey lie, they cheat, they distort the truth…they divert attention away from the real problems of society…they create wars in foreign lands for personal satisfaction and the blood of every man and woman soldier who has died in the last 5 years is on their hands and God will deal with them for that based on the distortions in so called “intelligence” that proported the situation we now find ourselves in in a foreign country with one hell of a mess to clean up.
Our country was invaded by the oil barrons in the dessert sands long long ago, and I for one remember the gas lines of 1973.

If any other country on this planet thinks they can beat the “American” system of the “Bill of Rights” (i.e. freedom of speech….freedom of religion…freedom of personal choice (ABORTION)….freedom and rights to bear arms in ones own homes despite the NRA….freedom to keep your mouth shut so you don’t incriminate yourself in a court of law…and freedom to speak of your crimes if you so choose to do so…freedom of the press which is now so stinking distorted by either the left or the right as to be diluted from the truth involved…just plain FREEDOM. I mean I love Earl Grey Tea and English Teatime is the bomb…so we have definately overcome the tea issue completely, but get real people…we got homeless people in America….we got kids with no help…we got kids and men and women going hungry in the supposedly richest and greatest country in the entire world, and we are throwing money away on bombs to kill and mame people half way around the world who want to kill themselves in the first place in spite of us. Go ahead…kill yourselves if that is your choice…..but do it in the damned dessert of sands on your own lands and leave us the hell out of your own misery and cries for help that you just want to kill yourself and take out anyone who happens to be innocent, uninvolved in your personal demise decisions, and in close proximity to prove some stupid point that you are suicidal and demented. It has not a thing to do with religion…it had not a thing to do with making a statement to the world except that you idiots want to kill yourselves and want to take someone else with you to share your misery.

As for all the idiots who are going on to school campusus and killing people…the same demise is yours…keep it to yourself…and stop trying to destroy the lives of people who are just trying to get a stinking education!!!
Go be miserable by yourselves and leave the rest of us out of your misery.
Hello world…we don’t give a flying shit that you are miserable…we are trying to pay our bills, stay ahead of the bill collectors, the tax collectors, and the other idiots of the world who want to scam us out of our hard earned dollars, pensions, insurance coverage, and high prices that are for someone elses profit. And this includes the doctors, hospitals, and all others involved with the enormously ridiculous prices of healthcare in the US> another bunch of greedy, uncaring, intollerable bums who live in better houses than the vast majority of us do, and their wives get to stay home and make salsa instead of haveing to go to work! Get a clue…this is NOT 1950…and June Clever is working her ever loving ass off at the expense of her kids who are on drugs and having unwanted babies because she has to go to get a stinking job to put milk on the table let alone the stupid chocolate cakes she used to bake!

This is 2008….get a grip…come to reality…keep your stupid suicicidal self to your self…stop tryin to make me take on your so called religion that you are distorting for your own personal wishes, gains, and desires…get a stinking job…get an education…stop killing innocent people to prove some point that no one cares about but you…and for heavens sakes get a mind of your own and don’t let yourself be brainwashed by some idiot who wants nothing more than to create war, get personal gain for himself and above all he is doing it at your stupidness and your personal expense!

Thanks…V. And baby…I just can’t drive 55. That is why I live in MIchigan where we can drive 70!~I got places to go and people to see!

28 02 2008

The artikle was greet…

…even greeter were the reduculious atempits withyn the commentz at riducooling the britich langwidge in some kind ov ironing way, it dous reviell taht indaed the americuns ar impoveriched in a dyalectical manur, i do feel sorow fur thees americuns to sutch a poynt taht i wood say anywon whoz comented on hear in sutch a whay is a cunt ( nad bi cunt i meen i am sori u r a cunt), nad i inclood myselv in thiz cunclooshun as to not cum acros arucunt or anyfink…

later tards!

29 02 2008
Nick Olds

Can I ask: how did you get John Cleese to do this? I’m legitimately impressed. Do you know him? Or did you just email him and ask?

29 02 2008

I’ve seen that before somewhere, I don’t think it was John Cleese who wrote it, and if he did, then the one I saw didn’t quote him as author.

still very funny, if not very racist.

29 02 2008

oh, and just so you know, I think the Russians helped more than anyone in beating Nazi Germany. If Germany hadn’t started beef with Russia, they would have been able to force all their defenses to the European front, however they had to divide their forces ’cause Russia was and is nearly as big as America in terms of military.

Also America was too busy fighting japan to do much on the European battlefront.

29 02 2008
Tim Smith (USA)

On behalf of the United States of America, I hereby accept the reclamation of American soil by Her Majesty with open arms. Anybody has got to be better than our current King George.

By the way, you forgot “oregano.” That one’s been a sore spot with my English friends for years.

29 02 2008

This has been circulating since at least 2000. Apparently it is not only not written by John Cleese but is being continuously stolen and republished by anyone who wants to. Never with attribution.

The only thing dumber than all the indignation that is in the comments above this is that it would even be assumed that someone like John Cleese would allow something like this to be published everywhere without appropriate copyright protection.

Snopes’ explains here:

1 03 2008
Fondation Erwin Mayer » John Cleese’s “Letter to America”

[…] l’humour britannique n’a pas de limite… Pour notre plus grand bonheur, et celui des […]

1 03 2008

That was funny as Hell.

I think the USA would gladly accept, should this counter proposal be accepted: we get to keep our guns, and all debts owed to the USA from the UK for the military aid in the past 100 years were paid.


2 03 2008
A Bit of Humor, a Night Off and a Question « Living the Justopian Life

[…] This has nothing to do with or with food, but it is so worth reading that I could not resist linking you to the post. I’ve become a real blog reader of late and am often caught by what’s on the front page of WordPress. Tonight when I came in from work, settled into the comfortable seat on the couch and put my feet up, I found this post. […]

2 03 2008


3 03 2008


I think you need a history lesson mate, those guns of which you speak of wher enot used to on ‘Nazi Tyranny’ on my soil (UK) im afraid the Nazi’s never made it to the UK, Operation Sea Lion was a huge failure…did you not get the memo from Heydrich in 1942?

or maybe tis you who needs the history lesson?

we are all controlled by th same people regardless.

learn the truth:

4 03 2008

Dear future member of the American Empire,

Your sense of humor is much appreciated. It will aid you well in the coming invasion. We have given you 60 years to prove your worth to us in any meaningful way and you have failed to do so, and in keeping with history, the most powerful superpower in the world has both a right and a duty to invade and subjugate its weaker neighbors. You should recognize this, as you had your own time in the sun so to speak. Even today half the world pays token homage to your monarchical farce. For quite some time now, we have shirked this duty, but it has become clear that you lot have become uppity, and quite frankly, annoying in your own sense of superiority. This needs to be rectified. I think you shall find our language isn’t so difficult to get used to, and will actually make your speaking voices legible to the rest of the human race. We shall be introducing you to Japanese Cars. They’re better than German Cars, believe me. As far as spelling goes, we’re flexible. You will need to learn the proper words and meaning of the Star Spangled Banner. Roundabouts are retarded, lights work better, don’t argue on this point. Drink what you want, however your food is utterly unfit for consumption by civilized peoples. Prepare to be educated in the culinary arts. Soccer is perhaps the most boring sport ever invented. Kick… Kick… Fake an injury… Kick… Kick… Kick… You Brits will take to real football and baseball eventually, I’m sure of it.

When you have accepted our terms, you know where to find us. (Its the continent we kicked your ass on twice). Until then, we will be bombing your television stations. Your “sense of humor” is incredibly stupid and we are doing the world a favor by destroying it.

5 03 2008

Well, congratulations posters. You’ve officially proven the point of this joke: the second you find one person wrong, you immediately assume the entire population acts that way. I didn’t bother counting the number of posts mentioning Citizenwells, but if you seriously think every American is that dim-witted, you’re as shut-in to the outside world as you believe us to be.

Fact is, -none- of us would “be here today” if it weren’t for -all- of us. So stop bickering and talking about the irony of people posting replies- replies that are in the same spirit as the original joke. Calling our jokes irony is irony to us. Well, I doubt this will get anyone to think but on the offchance it does- thanks for reading.



5 03 2008


5 03 2008
J’s blog » Blog Archive » 2blog folder catchup

[…] John Cleese’s “Letter to America” « Things Are Looking Up… […]

5 03 2008 - This website contains discretion. Viewer nudity is advised. » 2blog folder catchup

[…] John Cleese’s “Letter to America” « Things Are Looking Up… […]

5 03 2008

citizenwells, I wish you knew your history. The Boston teaparty and the subsequent revolution were in response to the King’s demand for a 3% tax on tea. The tyranny of it all…

5 03 2008

I’d marry him if he weren’t so old and wrinkly. Love him to death.
Not surprising that americans are finding this offensive. Don’t dare laugh at the bully, he’ll kick your teeth in! This wasn’t all poking at the US, but also poking fun at the Brits themselves.

*World* Series?
US English?
Football being called soccer?

All things I’ve always wondered about the US. So meh, if you’re gonna dare to be different, be “man” enough to take a bit of a roast with a smile now and again.

Brit-loving Canadian 🙂

6 03 2008

Fake, but funny nenetheless.

I am in favor of almost anything that will disband and abolish Congress.

Bring it on ….. oh, and while you’re at it, please exile Ted Kennedy.

6 03 2008

I love John Cleese. And this is why. God damn he is funny.

6 03 2008

funny, except for the therapists part. apparently they don’t have mental illness in the UK, but i assure you many people in this country feel the need to speak to a therapist for legitimate reasons.

6 03 2008

citizenwells, are you sure?

citizenwells (12:01:29) :

“Dear John Cleese.
You are quite talented as a comedian and are one of my favorites.
Obviously, you are not a historian.
Our guns were used in the American Revolution to remove British Tyranny
from our soil…”

Wrong. At the beginning of the revolution copies of British guns were mainly used. Towards the end, they were mainly French; France having also supplied a great deal of troops to ‘America’.

“…and Nazi Tyranny from your soil in WW II”.

Really, and there was I thinking that Churchill’s refusal to immediately invade Europe, as the impetuous Americans wanted to do, and to concentrate on the Africa campaign, to knock out the oil reserves, had something to do with it?

Cheers, from a Brit, who really doesn’t care whether they are or not 😉

7 03 2008

America has to rewire all light switches(existing) to be turned “ON” when switched down not up

8 03 2008

As Americas we agree to all of those terms so long as the British men realize the benefits of BRACES

8 03 2008

AAAHAHAHA. the “UK” has always been a pompous ass. God save the queen? for what? shes just as much of a joke as our “President” is. I hope humanity dies the way they deserve, a horrible painful death.

9 03 2008

quote: <>

dear citizen welles, here are a few points of contention regarding your post:
your guns were used in the American revolution, but it was, ultimately, a french royal naval gun barrage that helped you get rid of the Brits. also, most of the muskets you used were either designed or manufactured (or both) by the brits and most of your american generals were trained (you guessed it) by the brits anyway. in essence, american guns only arrived after the british were kicked out.
second, apart from a small island halfway between england and france, nazi tyranny never reached british soil in world war two. reason for this is that hitler and goering got bored with losing their planes to (british) spitfires and started diverting them towards the peachy task of invading russia just before the start of winter (note that in both cases, they kinda are following napoleon’s example here) .america’s grand contribution to WW2 up until pearl harbour were a couple of really nice volunteers and some really old ships. which brings me to the second point; you.were.incredibly.late. by the time you started to do anything in an organised and concrete manner, the brits, aussies and other british allies were already out where you should have been months/years beforehand. if american intervention had happened earlier on, this whole WW2 thing might never have occured and the world would have been hunky-dory by christmas 1940. ooh, but deary me, did i forget ford’s little contacts with the third reich? or was it siemens’s american political contacts? i can be SO vapid sometimes. anyway, point is, you were late, so no points for good behaviour afterwards.
another point you should contend with is this: yes, all of europe is grateful that you finally decided to shift your flab towards the end there and all of asia is grateful that you gave the japanese a bit of applied psychotherapy using kilo-ton range nukes (hiroshima STILL has got some cool glow-in-the-dark effects going, really trippy), but the point is that we have been grateful for the past 60 years. what most europeans won’t tell you is that the gratitude wore kinda thin during korea, disappeared after vietnam and turned into outright hostility after daddy’s little boy decided that the best way to achieve a stable middle-east was to blow iraq into little tiny pieces…again. truth is, after your space program crashed in the ’80s and ’90s, europe kinda got disillusioned by its big teenage brother and bushy hasn’t helped either. so there you have it. cleese has hit the nail on the head with this one (actually, it appears it wasn’t him, check it up), not just because of its wit, but also because he expresses a sentiment that resonates across europe: we have learned from past mistakes. you haven’t. you’ve made more of them in the past 200 years that take most european nations well over 1000 to achieve. please, stop us from having to set the bailiffs on you and show us that you CAN be the nation you claim to be.
courtesies extended from a german, english, irish, dutch and south african descendant living in australia (with a chinese gf).
oh, and by the way, america’s top immigrant population was not irish or english. it was german. the irish like a good laugh about this, but it’s been well over 100 years of garish st. patrick’s days and fake irish accents. get over it. celebrate oktoberfest. it lasts longer, has more colours and upsets less irish people, a full time occupation for british politicians since the ’60 (find out why yourself). check up your ancestry, you may be surprised who got there…

10 03 2008

In reply to BG especially (and to all those Aluminum’ers) :

In the UK and other countries using British spelling, only aluminium is used. In the United States, the spelling aluminium is largely unknown, and the spelling aluminum predominates. The Canadian Oxford Dictionary prefers aluminum, whereas the Australian Macquarie Dictionary prefers aluminium. The spelling in virtually all other languages is analogous to the -ium ending.

The International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry (IUPAC) adopted Aluminium as the standard international name for the element in 1990, but three years later recognized aluminum as an acceptable variant. Hence their periodic table includes both, but places aluminium first. IUPAC officially prefers the use of Aluminium in its internal publications, although several IUPAC publications use the spelling aluminum.

10 03 2008
Forget the election, we’re colonists again « An American Physics Student in England

[…] Forget the election, we’re colonists again 10Mar08 After this news that Formerly-Prime-Minister Tony Blair will be teaching at Yale University, I remembered another link I meant to share: John Cleese’s (of Monty Python fame) Letter to America, reproduced here. […]

10 03 2008
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow later « i warned you

[…] Americans, have generally bastardized the English language, but Ohio should have a special place in John Cleese’s heart for its ability to ruin proper pronunciations. I mean, it’s not even like people in […]

11 03 2008

Who is this “John Cleese”? Where is this place called “England”?

11 03 2008
12 03 2008
θοδωρής γεωργακόπουλος » Το Γράμμα του Τζον Κλιζ Προς την Αμερική

[…] ψηλότερος Monty Python γράφει μια ανοιχτή επιστολή προς τους πολίτες των ΗΠΑ (όπου βγάζει το ψωμάκι του […]

14 03 2008

It is apparent that history is not being well taught throughout the world.
I suggest that some of you go beyond the textbooks you were given in primary grades and study real history, based on factual accounts. Also, if any of you believe that Nazi guns never made it to the UK, you are also on drugs.

14 03 2008

PS-My predominant ancestry is English & German. Thank God my ancestors left over 250 years ago. They obviously left for a reason, just like millions of others. And by the way, both of my grandfathers, the one with the English last name and the one with the German last name, were in France in World War I fighting to save Europe. I agree that the US entered WW II too late. But once again, it was european stupidity and complacency that allowed it to happen. We bailed out your stupid asses again. I realize that all europeans are not ignorant and arrogant, but the ones that are make the entire continent look bad.

14 03 2008

Regarding The American Revolution: what ultimately won the war for the Americans was British Arrogance, recognized by some in parliament then, and apparently still active today.

15 03 2008

Wow! Never realised there was so much malice from the dear Americans towards us Europeans! Why? Surely you should be secure by now!

Something must have happened during the last 50 years to undermine your sense of self. I do remember listening to Frank Sinatra and watching American films in the fifties and sixties and we really looked up to you in those days. You seemed happy and self-assured. What went wrong? Maybe this being the only country in the world to be a nation rather than a race means you have no firm base. But the fault lies with your forebears who funked out instead of staying to put right their own country. But it’s not the fault of the rest of the us!

It’s really sad. An entire continent riddled with self doubt and xenophobia. Quite a dangerous cocktail I would have thought.

15 03 2008

Have you been taking a creative writing lesson?
Do you have a reading comprehension problem?
Ever tried seriously studying history?
I Know who I am and I know the history and impact of Europe
going back several thousand years. This is why so many people,
including my ancestors, left. Take your pick: religious persecution,
absolute monarchies, constant power struggles, class domination and
failure to “police” or stabilize your own part of the world. I could go on,
this is just the tip of the iceburg.

15 03 2008

PS-are you French?

17 03 2008

Ever tried seriously studying history?
I Know who I am and I know the history and impact of America
going back several decades. This is why so many people have perished world-wide. Take your pick: xenophobic persecution,
absolute power, constant power struggles, anihilation of thousands innocent civilians and
failure to “police” or stabilize your own part of the world. I could go on,
this is just the tip of the iceburg.

17 03 2008

I’m sorry – I wrote that in a hurry. I didn’t mean to sound so negative. I feel that it is destablising to find yourself one of millions of illegal immigrants living in somebody else’s country, a member of a group who almost annihilated an entire race and enslaved and abused until a few years ago another entire race.

I’m sure it’s dangerous for the rest of the world – this crashing about in Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam and annihilating and abusing other races. The psychology is all wrong. I’m sure you are trying to form yourself into a race of people to which you can belong by inheritance rather than force. I’m sorry for you and worried for us.

17 03 2008

It’s funny, but it’ll be even funnier when there’s a 50-something star flag waving at 10 Downing. It’s just a matter of time…tossers.

P.S.-ALUMINUM!!!!!!!!! aluminumaluminumaluminumaluminumaluminumaluminumaluminumaluminumaluminumaluminumaluminumaluminum

18 03 2008

This was a Monty Python sketch… look it up.

And also America’s weapons were not used to rid the UK soil of Germans… only Europe and Asia.

18 03 2008

Good God! WHAT MALICE!!!!!!!!! Please explain to me whatever induces that sort of overwhelming hatred of a little island and its people. What sort of threat can we possibly pose to America for heaven’s sake? We’ve never felt that sort of malignant passion even for the Germans during the wars. We always held them in some sort of respect.

19 03 2008

Sarcasm escapes (most) Americans. All we know is pride (to the point of blind arrogance) and disrespect for the rest of the world. Oh yeah, America’s number one, alright.

In the words of the best British rock band since the Beatles, “Nobody ever seems to remember, life is a game you play.”

Lighten up, people! I dare not imagine an existence so self-repressed as to be incapable of laughing at one’s self. It must be horrible.

19 03 2008

Well, if waving an American flag outside number 10 would make you feel better that would be good. It wouldn’t make much difference to us. We’d still be in the land of our fathers. Our ancestry would still go back 2 thousand years. Linguists would still find the history of the English in our language. The history of the land and the people would still be our land and people, and, honestly, I have a feeling that you’d still feel as bilious as ever. How about France next – Italy, India, China? Nothing will fill your void and you are to be vastly pitied – and worried about!

We don’t get bitter about your still celebrating Thanksgiving! This was a celebration and thanks giving to God by the English and the Native Americans for a safe harvest – but you’re extremely welcome to use it!

Mellow down and live in the world – it’s a nice place!

19 03 2008
Nick Olds

I liked John Cleese better when he did the Parrot Sketch

22 03 2008

I don’t think you’d be able to take Florida or Texas, they probably have enough guns to take down your whole country + allies, we just don’t use them ’cause they’d kill OUR military too. XD, nice post, too bad it’s fake, still funny, and for the record, complaining about US English is the exact same thing as complaining about our grammar, we have different terms that make sense here, but not in other places. Still funny.

25 03 2008

John Cleese is King, long live the King. In this world so full of hatred & war, the need to laugh & smile has never been so necessary. Its only a dream but a world with more people like John would be such a better place, thanks for making me laugh, again. Paul Dower.

25 03 2008
James Bryant

To: CitizenWells (Good name that).
Just to clarify, the guns that were used to remove “British Tyranny” were actually all in the hands of British Citizens, that is until they won and became Americans. Did you ever notice the Founding Fathers all had names like Adams, Hancock and Payne, what did you think they were, Italian?
So the British Colonials that won the war against the British Loyalists decided to keep the best British influences, like the Rule of Law, the Parlimentary systemand freedom of speech (whatever happened to freedom of speech, by the way? ) but do away with pernicious habits like driving on the wrong side of the road, not being able to shoot people and drinking tea 5 times a day.
Oh, and there never was any Nazi Tryanny in Britain anyway Mr Citizen, but thanks to America for making sure of it.
So, 2 facts, both wrong, but who’s counting. As long as we can all laugh together at John Cleese we’ll have a lot in common. Pity about Kansas, though- too bad.

26 03 2008

I can accept this if England agrees to cover our national debt.

28 03 2008


But at least the general ignorance proudly displayed in this thread has been hugely entertaining!

28 03 2008

Looks like everyone and their dog has posted up that link.. ah well

31 03 2008

[…] Of course not. But get ready for April Fool’s Day (a nice post of RWW worth on the subject) on the web. I wonder what version 2008 will have in store for us and the USA? btw – this is just me trying to pad out the number of posts for the month of March. Enjoy. […]

31 03 2008
Beau Gray

This is obviously fake, because john cleese is capable of writing something much funnier than this.

4 04 2008
William Anker

Funny how only Americans go on about “sharing” things (“hey, thanks for sharing that” etcetera, et bloody cetera….) but the only things they seem to really like tp share with the rest of the world is shit food and incredibly powerful bombs. I suppose I can live with the shit food and I’m glad they only bomb non-Europeans. Thanks for sharing that with us.

6 04 2008
Been to Britain

Funny, funny. Now come spend some pounds in Florida.

10 04 2008
Robert Ford

If this were really John Cleese, it would have been a lot more vulgar and a LOT funnier.

10 04 2008
11 04 2008
Oh no!

[…] my friend Gabriela’s blog I found this wonderful speach to the American people, which made me laugh out loud. I thought of John Cleese […]

17 04 2008

Wow. A lot of pissed comments on a satire letter, THAT’S NOT EVEN WRITTEN BY HIM.

17 04 2008
Yanky Doodle

If it weren’t for us Yanks you’d be writing you ridiculous article in Deutsch.

22 04 2008

It surprises me that people still want to believe that John Cleese wrote this.


He’s said as much on his own website.

Snopes Urban Legends

25 04 2008

You should take this down or correct the text. Cleese did not write this.

16 05 2008

screw whoever wrote this…kansas is cool

18 05 2008

USA will be known as United Sites of Anglica .
All non-white persons living in Anglica will be paid $10,000 per annum as compensation for suffering a life in a re-colonised nation.
In all matters of doubt about religious practices such as priest,pastor relationships with minors including desirable and undesirable abuses the decision of Archbishop of Canterbury will be final and binding, All churches in Anglica will be affiliated to and controlled by the Church of England.Q.E.D

4 06 2008
America, Relationships and [ not so much ] Harry Potter « 101 things to do with dru and Lu

[…] at 11:26 pm (Blog, Books, People, Relationships, Religion, Work, dru’s life) Oh my goodness. Read this. Just do it. Don’t complain, don’t procrastinate. Just read it. And then […]

7 06 2008

I, on behalf of the United States of America, agree to your terms and willingly accept them, provided that the following states also be considered unworthy of the Queen’s domain, as they have little to offer, and re-educating their populations would be quite a task:

1. South Carolina
2. Mississippi
3. Alabama
4. Louisiana
5. Arkansas

While I don’t understand the Queen’s hatred for Kansas, I suggest that Nebraska and Wyoming are similarly useless states that she also may not like. Florida has also proven to be quite an undertaking in recent years, and I suggest she reconsider whether it is a property that she wants to rule.

I would also like to see Her Majesty’s crown returned to its proper heir.

As a matter of good faith I shall henceforth use the term “aluminium” and drive on the left side of the road.

Yours Sincerely
(and the USA)

14 06 2008

Will the tax collector also be the person to take our guns and if so, is catsup permissable to use as sauce for cannibalism or do we still need to use malt? Either way is fine, but I’ll have to run to the store to get some malt. I just hate the idea of killing something and than going hungry. Waist not want not.

21 06 2008
Delicious Cake

The first time I heard this, I laughed so hard I fell off of my dinosaur.

22 06 2008

[…] John Cleese’s “Letter to America” […]

9 07 2008


14 07 2008
Deine Meldung des Tages - Seite 55 - Forum des Virtual Racing. e.V.

[…] betrachtet. Passt aber eigentlich besser zu einem Briten als zu einem Ami. Humor ist es in John Cleese’s “Letter to America” Things Are Looking Up… Von ‘nem Prsi-Kandidaten ist es traurig (aber vermutlich wahr). __________________ Gru, […]

27 07 2008
Citizens of America

The response from the United States of America to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

Message from Her Majesty the Queen.

• Let us start with your header, the use of Majesty. Here is how it is derived: After the fall of Rome, Majesty was used to describe a Monarch of the very highest rank – indeed, it was generally applied to God. The title was then also assumed by Monarchs of great powers as an attempt at self-praise and despite a supposed lower royal style as a King or Queen, who would thus often be called “His or Her Royal Majesty.” The first English king to be styled Majesty was Henry VIII.
• We can’t stand people that think of themselves as Gods. And technically it would be Goddess in this case. “Goddess” have you even seen a picture of your queen.

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

• Yes we sure do elect some bad presidents but that is what you get when you stop inbreeding the “Royal” blood line and end up with nit wits like your son. We like to see change occur every once in awhile. It is expected that we will elect a bad one every now and again but we will just elect another president. You on the other hand are stuck with your nit wits.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she
does not fancy).

• “Monarchial duties”, What is that? What does she do, exactly? Oh, I forgot. “Nothing” So we will gladly let her do her duties. We just won’t pay her unless she does something useful. And it figures that she would not want Kansas, that is where a lot of strong pioneering women come from in our history. Pioneering implies that she must do something.

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you

• Wow, you are a deluded country. If you have not noticed, “The People” rule here, Congress and the Senate just try to keep us happy so they can keep their jobs. And as for the questionnaire if we are happy, we will not notice. If we are not happy, and we do not have the congress or senate to blame, You Will Notice.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

• So, you think that our authority was conferred to us by you. You gave us the rite to be the United States of America.
• You should pick up a history book, WE TOOK IT. We will let you know when we want to GIVE it back. Unless you think you can take it back. LOL. Like that would be possible, You can’t defend yourselves let alone attack anybody. It might behoove you to remember. The only freedoms you have are the freedoms you can defend. We’re Good. How about you?

1.Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

• noun, adjective Chiefly British – “We are Not British”

2.The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as “colour”, “favour”,
“labour” and “neighbour.” Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut”
without skipping half the letters,? and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced
by the suffix ‘-ise’.? Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels.? (look up “vocabulary”).

OK, You are starting to sound like the French. Do you really want to be associated with the French?

3.Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft
know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
into account the reinstated letter “u” and the elimination of -ize.

• You still using Microsoft, we moved on to Apple, Linux, etc… And using “like” and “you know” is extremely efficient to educated people. For example; The British are becoming “like” the French. And that implies, “You know”.
• See rather than write paragraphs the thought was expressed in a simple statement.

4.July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

• What, is it to embarrassing for you. I think we will keep it, unless you can take it. LOL

5.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used
shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

• Nice try, but we can still kick your butts without the guns. They call our lawyers, sharks, for a reason. They eat their prey, go ahead take them on. Our therapists make them feel better after kicking your butts. And as far as only shooting grouse. If you didn’t already kill every other animal in the forests that you no longer have, you might actually be able to go hunting. When is the last time you saw a deer in the woods in your country?

6.Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

• A vegetable peeler will be just fine. By the way do you grow potatoes, carrots, or anything that requires a vegetable peeler. Didn’t think so, you have to “farm” for that. And that is just so beneath you. Just keep buying our food.

7.All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.

• Oh my God(Majesty), you are using that to better us. No wonder you lost your kingdom. Oh we have a “horse” if you want to sell your kingdom. We might even give you two horses.
• And we understand the British sense of humor. To laugh you must smile, to smile you must have nice “Teeth”. “You Know”

8.The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

• Jealous? Remember that whole “No taxation without representation” thing. You should look into it.

9.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

• For someone who “used” to have India, you think that you might have learned something about spices. All you got out of that era was vinegar. Come on, go through the Chunnel to France and start learning how to cook. If we take any criticism about our food it will have to come from France.

10.The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for
pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that
all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

• Ok, Our beer sucks but if we are going to take criticism about it, Germany will have to do it.

11.Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four
Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed
with a cheese grater.

• Stick to Documentaries, your country is incapable of producing entertainment movies. You don’t laugh, you don’t cry, you don’t feel, and you think that you can entertain a populace. It would be “akin” to watching black and white, silent movies. Again, go to France, India, Germany, even Japan. But in the end, I think it would be best if you just make Documentaries.

12.You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try rugby –
the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

• You just don’t get entertainment. Yep, we Americans are going to go nuts over watching guys in shorts run around the field for 3 hours and maybe make a score. There might even be an upset match of 2-1. The excitement of it all has me watering at the mouth. And when we are done being thrilled by the game we can switch the channel to watch a bunch of guys piled on top of each other move around on the ground for another three hours. Look up sarcasm in the Oxford English dictionary.
• Don’t worry though, an american can fix it. In soccer, you need to have more excitement. Switch the goalie to a girl and after each successful goal, that goalie must remove an article of clothing. No more of those 1-0 matches, from my figuring almost all matches will be, 10-9 or 10-8. Rugby is easy, just switch to girls, we will never turn the channel.

13.Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is under standable. You will learn cricket, and we will
let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their

• First get your facts straight, if you learned to do proper research, you would know that Toronto, as in the Toronto Blue Jays, is not with in our countries borders.
• Second, of course we know their is a world outside of our borders, we supply it with food, we keep it employed by buying its products, and we get a laugh at them when they try and criticize us.

14.You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

• Hell, we thought you did it. Come on you can tell us.

15.An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).

• Ok, but you must pay all our Social Security benefits, Welfare Benefits, Wic Benefits, and government subsidies back dated to 1776. Want to call that one even? Else, you might owe us some money. We will send the lawyers over.

16.Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.

• Ok that confirms it. You are pansies.

God Save the Queen!

• If you weren’t paying attention, according to you, God is the Queen. Let her save herself. But if she did that you would have to call her an American.

PS: Go ahead and share this with your friends in the USA (those with a good
sense of humour and NOT humor.)

• PS. Go ahead and share this with your friends in the UK (those with a good sense of humor. oops my mistake, there are none) I would go on but, “You Know”

27 07 2008

I think it’s hilarious how some people took this seriously haha

Mr. Cleese rocks.

1 08 2008

Citizenwells, you obviously know nothing about history either, the Nazi’s never set foot in Britain during WW2, we fought them off on our own in a little thing called the Battle of Britain, in which 11 American’s took part. Also, French and British guns were used to fight the war of independence. In short, you have proved yourself to be an ignorant asshole. John Cleese rules.

12 08 2008
A comic relief « Testimony of the spade

[…] 12, 2008 by Magnus Reuterdahl I found this letter a few days ago on a blog as I was blogsurfing my workday away and remembered it as an e-mail I got a few years ago. As it is […]

24 08 2008


The Nazi’s never successfully invaded Britain. You did not remove them from our “soil”.

1 09 2008

The American’s definately are not good at English, neither are the British, that honour falls to South Africa.

Yeah, for real.

16 09 2008
18 09 2008

I was ok until number 17. You can take away my government, my pronunciation guide and my freedom, but you can never take my (American) football!

18 09 2008
American "Mum" of 4

This letter was “bloody” hilarious! I don’t care who wrote it, it is worth sharing!

1 10 2008
Judy Garland News » Archives » Young actors bring ‘Alice in Wonderland’ to Greensburg stage (Pittsburgh Tribune-Review)

[…] John Cleese’s "Letter to America" " Things Are Looking Up… […]

4 10 2008
mrbob's personal blog

And now for something a little bit the same……

I call to your attention this breaking news….

5 10 2008

“18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.”

Toronto is not in the United States. It is in Canada. I understand the usage of “America,” and realize that Canada is indeed part of North America, but Canada is not discussed in this arrangement.

That being said, Cleese is a brilliant comedian.

7 10 2008

John Cleese’s response to this written work (and of course I know it wasn’t written by him, but even he thinks it is funny. I did nothing more than repost an email I received.)

John Cleese Video

31 10 2008

After 2,489 posts all saying the same thing, I’m getting the feeling that maybe, just maybe, John Cleese didn’t write this declaration?

28 11 2008

Dear Mr. Cleese,

Thank you for your concerns about the United States of America. Did you perhaps forget that America includes such diverse countries as Canada, Brazil, and Nee-har-ah-wa?

Some of the points you make are quite correct, though I can’t recall any just now; but the only thing “wrong” with Kansas is they make you set your watch back 100 years when you cross the border. The Kansas Border Police are very strict about this.

Why should we go back to being British citizens? I prefer our 45% tax rate to your 85%. Something is different from, not different to something else. I don’t want to go to prison for accidentally putting the Queen’s stamp on my envelope upside down. (Oops! Our tax rate just went up again.) Sensible people drive on the right, not the left, just like politics. Would you also have us drive backwards, in cars so tiny that we can hardly get our fat asses (not arses) into?

And, Mr. Minister of Silly Walks, have you told the Queen about this? She might object to having such crass and, frankly, smelly arseholes as subjects.

In closing, I must say one more thing, sir: at least we have all the money. Mwahhahahahahahaha!

Your pal,

5 09 2010

“In closing, I must say one more thing, sir: at least we have all the money. Mwahhahahahahahaha!”

it’s a shame you owe it all to China 😛

you dont have any money, all you have is credit

23 01 2009


17 02 2009




6 03 2009

i see 2 problems withese new rules.

1. I dont even own a Dictionary, so hows i gona look up dems der werds?

2. I done alrdy shot all the lawers and Quacks, so can i keeps my guz?

3. Good luck on getin taxes outa me, i’m a texan we shoot first ask questions to the corpse latter

14 03 2009
John Cleese - Revoking American independence - Political Forum

[…] disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. Letter Here. Very, very funny. Was written in 2004 after the re-election of Bush. The guy was one of the main […]

15 03 2009

“18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.”

Sounds like you’re the retards, baseball is the national sport of many latin and south american countries, and is loved in Japan and Korea. A lot of the best baseball players come from venezuela, puerto rico, cuba, mexico, dominican republic, aruba, curacao, japan, korea, canada etc.

21 04 2010

yes, but roughly how many of them show up for the actual world series? same for basket ball really

24 11 2009
farty mcpoo

Wow this is amazing. I didn’t read any of this but it looks like shit. You all are a bunch of ball garglers, I just wanted to let you know.

21 12 2009
Michael Spence

John Cleese is hilarious. Pity the invasion never went a head, I agree with all those points, especially the spelling errors. Also American football is a pansies answer to rugby. You don’t have any of that poofy protection. haha lol also learn how to spell Britain it’s not Briton and capital has an a in it.

23 02 2010
You silly Canadians... - Los Angeles Kings Hockey Fan Forum

[…] John Cleese wrote this a while back…I'm in! John Cleese’s “Letter to America” Things Are Looking Up… […]

13 03 2010

I agree completely with the grammar part. I am American and I can’t stand the way I speak I would much rather speak popper English.

24 03 2010

Although I do agree that America should be more literate, and adopt some more European views on things (such as gun use and being intelligent), if England ever tries to re-govern the states I will kill the Queen myself. Nothing personal, it’s an Irish thing.

21 04 2010

right, question to any american out there.

Why call the British limeys like it’s an insult?
I mean, the whole point of our sailors having a lime juice ration was to provide them with vitamins, while other nations sailors gums were rotting from scurvey.
Just so happened that we found lime juice kept better, better that the smell of rotting mouths certainly

4 06 2010
Phoenix Sun

Great letter, even better seeing some of the antsy replies unable to stop that knee jerking in reaction. Get over yourselves and realise he’s joking, respect to those who got it.

6 07 2010

haha that’s pretty funny

7 10 2010

Can’t we all get along, and just give a hearty laugh at the French?

30 10 2010

everyone has a way of speaking english.

20 11 2010

It is funny, but Cleese didn’t write it:

15 12 2010
ipad game

Do what you say,say what you do


12 01 2011

Hello, everyone!
Sorry, I did not have enough time to read all the above comments, so perhaps I just did not notice any comments from my own natives, i. e. Russians.
I wonder if any one of you people would be surprised, but I’d like to tell you that having had some experience of communicating both with British and American people, I cannot help but enjoy the sense of humo(u)r of all of such people. Strangely, I usually feel (more) “at home” with the English-speaking, and what I often see here at home, in Russia, makes me sad at times. Oh, it’s a long and often really sad story.
Some eleven years ago I happened to be lucky enough and met two elderly British businessmen: they were real friends, although one was a real Englishman and the other a Scottish person. While we talked, I noticed that the old-time hostility between England and Scotland seemingly had come down to nothing more than good-humo(u)red jokes.
I do hope you understand. I believe most people on Earth are about the same. The problem is, some politicians often try to make their best and force the peoples to fight or quarrel.
Peace and love to all of you – from Russia (not just as in a Bond movie, yet with some humo(u)r)
Warm regards,

13 01 2011

Hostility Versus Humo(u)r OR vise versa…

Some two years ago there was a movie shown on the Russian TV, it is called “Russians are coming”, a US comedy from 1965 or so. Unfortunately, it has never been shown in Russia before, and still, it was a pleasure to see it for the first time and feel what I’ve already told you about: peoples on Earth seem to be mostly the same. Fuck the politicians, if I may say so!
Best of luck!

13 01 2011

Different points of views? That’s not a horrible problem. IMHO.

I’ve just re-read the messages above and noticed the usual thing, that is some difference in points of views. In my opinion, such things are NORMAL, even NATURAL. It would be boring to live in a world where everyone agrees with you, wouldn’t it?
Sure, some comments just deserve to be left unnoticed. Maybe even those I myself posted. Anyway, I will be looking forward to your comments via e-mail:
Why not?;)))

23 01 2011

didnt we save the british during ww2 so maybe they should learn our national anthum and have guns and therapist.

25 01 2011
Mr Realistic

John Cleese did not write that letter. Seriously.

14 02 2011

an awesome bit of comedy, thanks for sharing. And frankly put. Their was no winner in World War II. There is never a winner in any war. There are only victims.

20 05 2011

I wish I could tell the world that we’re not all like that. In my opinion, I like the idea of therapists. I don’t think we should have guns. We shouldn’t abuse the legal system. Gays should marry if they want to. During WWII, Americans were trying to stay out of it. We didn’t want conflict, but when we were attacked, we took action. We were a major part of WWII, but we didn’t lose as many people as other countries and we definitely didn’t save everyone. Though we did help a large portion. We didn’t have too much help in the Pacific,though,did we? (Not 100% sure about that pacific part.) We’re not all TOO close minded. Though, to be honest, I do know an unfortunate amount of ignorant people. Sorry, I don’t know a spectacular amount about rugby. 🙂 I think we need to use the metric system and smaller, less environment-harming cars.

30 06 2011
Bernard d'Aboville

Yes, they can!

5 07 2011
William Wallace's Left Testicle.

Dear John Cleese,

please can you explain the difference between England and Britain. I fear you have assumed they are both the same thing.

19 01 2018
Daniel O'Callaghan

what that Scottish bastard only had one ball, poor thing

14 09 2011

Everybody has a different view point thanks.

12 10 2011

hi, one of the funniest quips I´ve seen about our American cousins who were having trouble electing George Bush some years ago.

The reference to england is just another humorous quip about england being truly english but Great Britain or The United Kingdom refers to the nations of Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.That is GB, england is just the most populated part and the rest are minorities that we poke fun at because of their supposed idiosyncrasies. i.e The Welsh are hairy and work underground with lamps in their hats, the Scots are a marauding band of hairy kneed skirt wearers who just love a bundle (brawl, punch up etc) especially if it means invading us back (we´ve invaded them plenty of times) and the Irish are wild eyed, loud, crazy drunken and thick.

These are all english topics and each of those nations have their own topics about us so it is all good fun but has more negative roots that come out in our emotions when we have some rivalry such as sports. The truth is we are pretty intermingled nowadays. And as for the French, we have fought them so often that we have an inbred dislike for them. At the same time their culture has pervaded our english aristocracy and government for ten centuries and we are what we are partly thanks to them and them to us.

Call it culture or just plain fun but highlighting some of our national tendencies and character is always good for the spirit. Anyone gets upset about the Yanks (our english ref to all americans) or Scots or welsh etc has misunderstood our sense of humour because first and foremost we laugh about OURSELVES. Compare Latin humour which laughs more at others´misfortunes.

I´ve saddle ridden life between spain and the UK all my life and I can appreciate the strengths and weaknesses of each culture. When anyone lives abroad for a few years you grow. You don´t if you stay at home within miles of your birthplace.

But I digress, ……………………………………..

27 10 2011

Hahaha this letter is so funny! I’m a patriotic american, but I can’t stand our current president. I’ve always been intrigued with England, and I would love to visit! but i love the good old USA, and I would never leave! 🙂

19 02 2012

Reblogged this on syferlocke.

21 02 2012

Youll notice that the conditions are that you don´t leave, our little mother island is already sinking under the weight of all the other Commonwealth members that have surreptitiously “got in” inadvertantly plus a few non Commonwealth too (European Union citizens) and all the asylum (haha) seekers too.

Our island is made up of chalk and coal, not too great a support for the rest of you colonial cousins!

In any case, who´d want our dark and dismall little island when you have the Florida Keys and such?

21 02 2012

actually I live in Spain! 13 million Brits live abroad, ever wonder why?

26 02 2012

YOU ARE ALL WRONG! A Brit discovered it, then named it alumium then changed it to aluminum and then a journalist renamed it aluminium because he didn’t like the way it sounded! Here is the real story:
“British chemist and inventor Humphry Davy first employed the name “alumium” in 1808 for the metal he was trying to isolate electrolytically from the mineral alumina. This citation is from the journal Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society of London: “Had I been so fortunate as to have obtained more certain evidences on this subject, and to have procured the metallic substances I was in search of, I should have proposed for them the names of silicium, alumium, zirconium, and glucium.”[61][62]

Davy settled on aluminum by the time he published his 1812 book Chemical Philosophy: “This substance appears to contain a peculiar metal, but as yet Aluminum has not been obtained in a perfectly free state, though alloys of it with other metalline substances have been procured sufficiently distinct to indicate the probable nature of alumina.”[63] But the same year, an anonymous contributor to the Quarterly Review, a British political-literary journal, in a review of Davy’s book, objected to aluminum and proposed the name aluminium, “for so we shall take the liberty of writing the word, in preference to aluminum, which has a less classical sound.”[64]

26 02 2012

Or you could spell it “jornalist”

12 08 2013
British humor #1 | There is no way to love, love is the way.

[…] Back to British humor. I love John Cleese’s letter to America: […]

2 10 2013

Reblogged this on There is no way to love, love is the way. and commented:
Amira: Reboot now or I’m calling the Queen! God Save the Queen! ❤

26 10 2013
Links | Mark Hamzy's weblog

[…] Cleese’s “Letter to America” link […]

19 04 2014

continuously i used to read smaller content that also clear their motive, and that is also happening with this
article which I am reading here.

25 05 2014
Bob Moynes

I read these comments until I could take no more it was either type or puke and this is what you get. My family has lived next door to blowhards for seven generations and John Cleese is a comic, lastly some of the people responding could rightly be called idiots as their IQ seems quite low. WWII was a “world” war with almost everyone involved. The Russians did help a lot, using British and American equipment to save their country until they could get their factories cranked up. Australia, Canada and innumerable other countries supplied men and material to the war effort. U.S.A. “those blowhards remember” supplied tens of millions of tons of food and equipment for us to continue the struggle this stuff coming ever and ever quicker from their factories and enabling the world to hold off the German war machine.
I’ll step down from my soapbox now, one last note the U.S. make a good neighbour even if they can’t spell.

25 05 2014
Bob Moynes

I ended that comment rather abruptly as I realized it’s useless to beat a dead horse. Canada and the U.S.A. have identical problems, some of the people we have given a new chance for a life to are bound and determened to ripe their new country apart and make it more like to one they fled so little time ago.

4 07 2014
Revocation of the Declaration of Independence | The Proof Angel Cartoons

[…] Some people have got very up tight over the point that Britain cannot revoke something that was never granted. Of course they are right, but to over rule in this context would spoil the fun. Anyway, if they calmed down & read the body of this text, they would probably find they are the very people who have something to learn from this. […]

8 07 2014
To those who Celelbrate the 4th of July

[…] a number of USA members of a forum I was on at the time had a severe sense of humour loss over it…er-to-america/ We Brits thought it hilarious, there have been a few different versions over the last few years, a […]

11 09 2014

I was suggested this blog through my cousin. I’m not positive whether this
post is written by him as nobody else understand such targeted approximately my problem.
You are amazing! Thanks!

12 11 2014

Dear Mr. Cleese:

I am a big fan of yourself, satire in general and I enjoy tongue in cheek comedy very much. Allow me to retort sir.

Please do appoint a Governor for us. We feel bored today, and would like nothing more than to revisit the “Handing Of Your Ass To You” for a third time. The first two times were with black powder rifles and horses. We think now that we can basically land a missile on your Queen’s coffee table, that the game has been “upped” a bit. We’ll personally see to it that our new Governor has spacious, suitable accommodation at one of our most luxurious suites in Cuba, at Guantanamo Bay.

In response to:

#1. I think you should look up the term revocation in the English Dictionary. Either of the American or English versions will do. In order to revoke something, you must have had to first grant it. Your pompousness has clearly clouded your cognitive thinking in that you were sent home with your tails between your legs quite some time ago, and rather forcefully at that. The only thing you “granted” us, was a catchy tune with which to use behind a new set of lyrics, called the Star Spangled Banner. Since that time, you’ve not successfully brought us back into your elite fold, because, well, you are unable to. Perhaps you should “revoke” the Russians space program as well; this is contextually the same in that you didn’t have a bloody thing to do with it. As far as Aluminum goes, well, there’s about 400 000 000 people in North America using the term, and we seem to get by, what with using it to make soda and beer cans and such. We realize that if we do not change the spelling, that a great, dark cloud will descend upon the earth, smashing us all into bitty pieces, but we are sort of busy right now watching you very closely with the finest of the world’s technology.

#2. We have no intention of putting any more nonsensical letters back into spelling which we’ve already changed. This has bothered you for a couple of centuries now, and we feel that if you put more of that sort of wasted mental energy into something like say, dentistry, your time will have been far better spent. Or perhaps you could start a Ministry for the Colourisation of Clothing, so that all of you don’t look as if you’ve been stamped out of a coin minting die. And for the love of your own Queen, please get some viable hair care products.

#3. An interesting point, Pittsburgh being pronounced Pittsburra. You may elect to change the spelling of Pittsburgh in your dictionary, so as not to continually waste letters that make no sense in their given order. I’m frightened for the environment in the excessive use of unnecessary letters for absolutely no good reason. I’m fairly certain the Titanic met it’s untimely demise because some silly bastard in the crow’s nest yelled out “ICEBURRA”.

#4. We prefer to leave our level of vocabulary as it is, but thank you for the offer of a free education. On our first missile strike, it will have taken us exactly 14 words to execute it, whilst you will just be getting past “pleasantries”. Please do continue to overstate, and flog simple statements. It buys us so much more time with which to continually smash you. I think we’ll target your F******** libraries first.

#5. Thank you for electing to let Microsoft know that there is no such thing as US English. Since it’s an American Multi-TetraSeptillion dollar organization (please note the “z”) which more than likely has a plethora of say, NO British advizers, I think we’ll put the suggestion on the back burner. We’re pretty busy today coming up with new, innovative ideas, rather than STILL arguing about the placement of a “U”. Please let us know of the outcome of this great “U” debacle, so that we might add it to our list of “The Things Of Which We Do Not Give A Fuck About”. Just so we know in advance, so that we might be ready to receive your emissary to Microsft; which great British technological IT company will be giving us this lesson?

#6. I do apologize in advance. We won’t be learning “God Save The Queen”. We are fairly certain that God is pretty busy in Africa, India, Pakistan and the like, hoping to restore some semblance of order for the 400 years of complete “Fucking Upping-Ness” which you’ve perpetrated upon these wonderful places. God knows, the Middle East thanks you for the Balfour Declaration, and the random of drawing of lines on a map over civilizations which existed tens of thousands of years prior to the birth of Christ.

#7 I’ll split the difference with you. We can meet about halfway on this one. Say, September 2nd, a day which will be dubbed “You Really Don’t Stand A Chance So Quit Pissing And Moaning Day”. We’ll still continue to celebrate the 4th of July though. How ellsse kin we drink like cold week beer and blow stuffs up for no utther gud reeson.

#8. I think we will continue to need the therapists. After having annihilated the lot of you with our stunning arsenal of firepower, we’re either just going to need someone to talk to, or at least talk to a lawyer about how to handle all of the riches which we’ve squandered from you. The latter might not be so important, as we aren’t really in dire need of wool, philosophy majors and tiny, horrendously engineered automobiles. You may however, continue to buy German cars, since you are unable to build on of your own that does not break down within one city block.

#9. We can probably do more with our vegetable peelers than you can do with the most modern equipment in your army. Some of which, I don’t mind saying, has been procured from us. Harry and William look quite SMASHING in our Apache kit.

#10. We’ll keep the cars. The Germans designed the VW Beetle, and that alone should have been cause for the start of a new global conflict.

#11. We could concede a bit on the roadways by adding roundabouts, although, one of ours will be specifically designed for the welcoming of our new Governor. It will more or less be shaped more like a comma, with the terminal end leading directly into the Grand Canyon.

#12. The USA will continue to use our current gasoline pricing system; however, from this point forward, any visiting British citizen will be paying a tariff called the “Narcissistic, Low Self Esteem Tax”, which will coincide with the 8 dollar per gallon rule.

#13. We don’t really want to talk to you much about utilizing the Potato, no matter what the application. Large portions of your beloved Empire starved to death in your perfection of the potato, thusly sending us large quantities of immigrants who have still to this day, make any sort of contribution anywhere in the world in terms of actual cuisine. Contrary to what you may think in Britain, there are ways of preparing food that don’t just revolve around boiling, cooking in animal fat, or just coming up with oddly shaped, tasteless flour masses.

#14. Waiters and waitresses will continue to bring us food, all of which is edible, and none of which will contain oddly shaped, tasteless flour masses. They’ll do it in a timely and quiet fashion, so as not to spend half our day going over inconsequential amounts of information with the lady who I’ve just asked for a hamburger. Im paying her to bring me food. If I wanted a lesson on manners or politics, then I guess I’d just go to London, and order fish and square cut chips.

#15. By all means, bring over your fine, overpriced piss-warm beer for us. We’ll just toss that shit into Boston Harbor.

#16. Please provide us with some British actors who are not Bat-Shit Crazy, Prima Donnas, and who don’t look as if they’ve climbed a 60 foot ugly tree, only to slip and hit every ugly branch on the way down.

#17. I do find our football a bit odd myself, now that you mention it. You’re right, its horrendous having TWO kinds of games. That might break with years and years of stubborn history.

#18, We will continue to play baseball, and most importantly “The World Series”. When the rest of the world can contribute a team that is even worthy of competing in the league, well heckfire, the framework is already set up. Bring ’em all over! We’ve only been waiting a hundred years for you to send someone over for target practice.

#19. We think it was the SAS. They couldn’t stand the exuberant charm and straight teeth. This was just bloody most unacceptable.

#20. Please do send a tax collector from Her Majesty’s Government. We could do it on an exchange basis and send you someone from the IRS. While you are collecting back taxes, we’d like some of our money back for all of the “Lend-Lease” equipment that saved your ass from Hitler thanks to your brilliant move at Dunkirk. We’d like that little endeavor to be reflected in real world dollars. And while on that topic, could you please tell Montgomery that dropping a bunch of lightly armed paratroops onto a bunch of bridges way the hell behind enemy territory is a wee bit of a bad idear. The Germans had, well, you know, Tanks, Guns, and rabid soldiers and stuff.

Thanks so much for your understanding, and we look forward to the arrival of our new waterboardi…..I mean Governor.

Best Regards,

W. Troniak

3 05 2015

You sound like Cleese made you quite angry although your réplica has been polítically correct it boils over with reactivity and oozes retort. You have fallen directly into Cleeses trap, thereby proving just what hes saying! Lol

30 12 2014

Therapists are a great way to avoid burdening your friends and family with unimportant personal issues, try it sometime. As for guns, its not nearly as fun to go buck hunting with a knife, the little bastards are always running away. American cars are mediocre shit stains on our society, its Aluminum, and lastly we thought you knew who killed JFK. PS: we let Canada have a go at the world series too

8 07 2015

Surely Mr. Cleese would have referred to the Inland Revenue, not “internal revenue”.

29 07 2015

oh, true but there isn´t that much diference really between one and the other.

9 11 2016

Reblogged this on Peter Mount's Blog and commented:
This was from 2008 but again it applies to today’s potentially disastrous result

15 11 2016
John T.

Dear Sir or Madame,

I truly enjoyed your quip on the election. I hereby surrender to the Queen, but I will keep my firearms.

Her Majestys newest subject

P.S. Sorry about the tea thing.

16 11 2016
John Roberts


16 11 2016
John Roberts

This is a letter is a joke, that’s all. Let not fall out guys 🙂

18 11 2016
19 11 2016
Eran Grabiner

Dear sir.
I find your appeal to the American people biassed and offenssive.
I am an Israeli.
The british left here ~150 after years you left America even though we did not give you as much trouble as the Americans.
Our prime minister is far more incompetent than the US president elect, and we can empirically proove it.
We are also much closer to the UK.
If you want us to surrender guns, no problem, per capita we have much more guns to surrender than anyone on this planet.
Last but not least, our English is far worse than the Americans.
As you can see, in every patameter we are more qualified for re-occupation by the British. So why won’t extent us the curtesy of liberating us from Bibi???

23 11 2016

I really like this & comments. I totally support Trump’s argument. All foreigners must leave America that includes British Americans, French Americans, German Americans, Russian Americans, Italian Americans, Asian Americans, African Americans, Latin Americans eta all, leaving only Native Americans. At least they will keep the earth to survive a bit longer.

27 11 2016
Otvoreno pismo Americi od Johna Cleesea – –

[…] Pythonovac John Cleese uputio je Amerikancima šaljivo otvoreno pismo. U njemu ih izvještava kako se poništava njihova nezavisnost, jer su se pokazali nesposobnima […]

27 11 2016

ItGpr all the uS commentators in this forum I recommend you read the book”Trading with the enemy”. You may learn something that will,I hope, shock you out of your misguided complacent view of the USAs involvement in the WW2. This is the preface to the book and it should give you a good feel of what it’s about. Enjoy. having your. bubble burst!
It would be comforting to believe that the financial Establishment of the United States and the leaders of American industry were united in a common purpose following the Day of Infamy, the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941. Certainly, the American public was assured that Big Business along with all of the officials of government ceased from the moment the war began to have any dealings whatsoever with the enemy. That assurance sustained the morale of millions of Americans who bore arms in World War II and their kinfolk who stayed at home and suffered the anguish of separation.
But the heartbreaking truth is that a number of financial and industrial figures of World War II and several members of the government served the cause of money before the cause of patriotism. While aiding the United States’ war effort, they also aided Nazi Germany’s.
I first came across this fact in 1978 when I was declassifying documents in the course of writing a biography that dealt with motion picture star Errol Flynn’s Nazi associations. In the National Archives Diplomatic Records Room I found numerous cross-references to prominent figures who, I had always assumed, were entirely committed to the American cause, yet who had been marked down for suspected subversive activities.
I had heard over the years about a general agreement of certain major figures of American, British, and German commerce to continue their relations and associations after Pearl Harbor. I had also heard that certain figures of the warring governments had arranged to assist in this. But I had never seen any documentary evidence of it. Now, pieces of information began to surface. I started to locate documents and have them declassified under the Freedom of Information Act—a painfully slow and exhausting process that lasted two and a half years. What I found out was very disturbing.
I had been born to a patriotic British family. My father had raised the first battalions of volunteers against Germany in World War I, and had built the Star and Garter Hospital at Richmond, Surrey, for ex-servicemen. He had been knighted by King George V for his services to the Crown and had been a member of Parliament and a Cabinet member. I feel a strong sense of loyalty to Britain, as well as to my adopted country, the United States of America. Moreover, I am part Jewish. Auschwitz is a word stamped on my heart forever.
It thus came as a severe shock to learn that several of the greatest American corporate leaders were in league with Nazi corporations before and after Pearl Harbor, including I.G. Farben, the colossal Nazi industrial trust that created Auschwitz. Those leaders interlocked through an association I have dubbed The Fraternity. Each of these business leaders was entangled with the others through interlocking directorates or financial sources. All were represented internationally by the National City Bank or by the Chase National Bank and by the Nazi attorneys Gerhardt Westrick and Dr. Heinrich Albert. All had connections to that crucial Nazi economist, Emil Puhl, of Hitler’s Reichsbank and the Bank for International Settlements.
The tycoons were linked by an ideology: the ideology of Business as Usual. Bound by identical reactionary ideas, the members sought a common future in fascist domination, regardless of which world leader might further that ambition.
Several members not only sought a continuing alliance of interests for the duration of World War II but supported the idea of a negotiated peace with Germany that would bar any reorganization of Europe along liberal lines. It would leave as its residue a police state that would place The Fraternity in postwar possession of financial, industrial, and political autonomy. When it was clear that Germany was losing the war the businessmen became notably more “loyal.” Then, when war was over, the survivors pushed into Germany, protected their assets, restored Nazi friends to high office, helped provoke the Cold War, and insured the permanent future of The Fraternity.
From the outset I realized that in researching the subject I would have to carve through an ice cream mountain of public relations. I searched in vain through books about the corporations and their histories to find any reference to questionable activities in World War II. It was clear that the authors of those volumes